[freyja]

Chelee,
I've been thinking about you constantly and the last couple days and now finally have time to sit and write. We are all shocked and angry and scared right along with you. We are also strong, and determined and optimistic with you, too. You are not alone. You're also not the only one who had issues with her husband during treatment. I know exactly what you're talking about. My husband seemed to turn into a zombie when I was diagnosed. He was completely absent to me, and I had to deal with everything myself, or call my mom in to come stay with me during the hardest parts. He also had anger issues and I was shocked that he could get so angry with me for so many tiny little things that weren't even my fault, while I was going through so much. It doesn't make any sense. At times I thought my marriage was doomed and if I had been in the position to be ABLE to leave I probably would have. Now that I'm not in treatment any more he has come out of his fog and has admitted that he completely couldn't deal with it and was useless through the process, so hopefully he learned something about himself and can react much better in future crisis...we shall see. Men are not actually made of steel, are they?

The really important thing is communication. If he's not doing what you need, tell him. He really can't know what you want him to do unless you communicate clearly, and the other most important thing is that you both agree to try to not take anything personally. Emotions are amplified now, and that makes communication harder because feelings are easily hurt. You're joining forces against a common enemy now, so being angry at each other only weakens our defenses.

Forget one day at a time, just take things one moment at a time. Keep a notebook and calendar with you at all times so you can write down EVERYTHING so you won't forget, and a tote bag or backpack with all your medical records and forms you need, snacks and a book or craft project. That way you don't have to scramble every time you're headed to another appointment, and you'll have something comforting with you when you need it.

If your husband doesn't have the energy to be there for you sometimes, call your family and friends. They don't know what to do either so they need you to tell them.

Take a lot of very deep slow breaths. Slooooow dooooown. It's hard to think clearly if you're thinking about everything at once. Start at the top of your list and tackle one thing at a time.

It all seems simple but those are the things that have helped me the most, and it's easy to forget simple things when faced with so much complicated things.

My love to you Chelee. Your instincts are strong. Trust yourself and you'll do fine. You're doing everything right. Go ahead, cry...I'll do it to. Celeste