My heart goes out to you Havah. It's horrible to feel so down, alone and scared and helpless with this disease. You sound so down, there is only one way to go and that's up. I glad you recognize this and are looking for support. Take it one step at a time. Many of us have felt just like you. Here's a big virtual hug!
May it comfort you to know that we understand and we care!
You are in my thoughts and prayers!
Joanne