[Ruth]

Andi/Harrie ~ You are so amazing! I am trying to wrap my head around this deep stuff you all are writing like Pinky. I never thought of a good nor bad self...but it is so interesting. I think I have concluded that my true self was very, very unhappy with my life when I was diagnosed 5 years ago. But I attributed to staying in that life (or bad marriage) for such a long time to good girl (Catholic) guilt. I couldn't let everyone down by doing something about it. Then I thought I was BAD by basically getting rid of most of my old life since diagnosis. I've been told by my EX that cancer made me "crazy" but I feel it made me SANE. I truly haven't been happier in my whole life. What I'm trying to say is I feel that one of the reasons that I've done well mentally and physically has something to do with finally listening to my heart. Herceptin, the chemo, the radiation certainly did a major part but by me being a happier person I'm less sick with colds, have lots more energy and just love living now. I think there is a strong mind/body connection I just don't have the words nor the eloquence of writing it down too well!

Even though I think I'm doing pretty well I still am freaking out about my regular 6 month check-ups (which next one happens to be tomorrow). Why can't I not get whacked out about these checkups? Is that the bad me telling me bad stuff can happen at checkups? My blood pressure goes up, I'm sweating, I can't think straight and I feel really weird. I would have thought that after this long that going to these office visits would be easier? When I leave the office, I am fine but right before (usually pulling in the parking lot) AHHH I just hate it. I don't want to go and have to force myself out of the car. I want to make my mind behave itself and not put me in a bad place. I feel like I'm in a Pavlov's dog experiment and just seeing my Onc's office puts me in a drooling position. Maybe I need to find a $1000 laying the parking lot or attached to my Onc. white coat and its left from an old eccentric who wants to give it away?
Hugs ~ Ruth