[Colleens_Husband]

It is a pretty strange thing to be a cancer caregiver. I read Angela's post a couple of weeks ago and thought about the role of the caregiver. The article Angela posted was informative and it gave some good ideas, however, (isn't there always a however?), I started thinking back on taking care of Colleen and I realized that to be a caregiver you have to be extremely adaptive. I don't think there is a one size fits all formula for being a caregiver, much less a good caregiver.

As an example, one of the things a caregiver can do is to do the research to ensure that any medical decisions are based on medical facts and not anecdotal accounts or third and fourth hand horror stories. So what do you do with those facts? Well, sometimes you share those facts with the cancer patient, sometimes you hold those facts for a later time when the cancer patient is emotionally able to listen to them, and sometimes you lock those facts in a deep dark vault so they never see the light of day. How do you know which course you should take on an information sharing? You don't. It is all trial and error. You can judge by how the patient handled adverse information in the past, but does that apply to the current situation? Remember, cancer in the family creates a new normal and what applied the day before the cancer diagnosis may not have anything to do with the reality of emotional states and social dynamics after cancer hits the family.

And once you finally find a happy medium between the Cancer Channel (24 hour cancer coverage, seven days a week) and the Elephant in the Room (No cancer talk ever, don't even talk about it) you will find that the dynamics of dealing with cancer change after time. After the "Oh crap, she's got cancer!!!!!" phase and initial shock wears off, then you have to still raise a family, go to work, and try to normalize things as best you can. Timing is important and understanding that things will eventually change is important.

So how do you know how or when to do the right thing? The short answer is you don't. You have to be adaptive. Always try to do the best you can and if that doesn't work, step back, pray for detachment, and try something else. Eventually you will become a good caregiver, but there isn't one strategy that is going to work every time.

Or maybe I'm all wrong. Who knows?

Anyways, thanks to Angela for bring up a thought provoking subject.

Lee