HER2 Support Group Forums - View Single Post

Hopeful · 08-12-2007, 10:42 AM

I too, have developed a phobia about planning for a future that I may not be in. About 3 months out is my comfort zone. Anything further than that, and I add the caveat, "if I am still here, then thus and so." The biggest attitude adjustment I had to make was at diagnosis. My mother is in her '90's, and her side of the family routinely got very close to the century mark. My dad's side, not quite as long, but mid-80's, easily. I was 52 years old, trying to plan for another 48 years or so on the planet. In the space of a few days, that expectation was reduced by 90%. As I am an only child with no children of my own, I don't feel the guilt I think a lot of moms feel about possibly not being around for important events in their children's lives. The one positive thing about my mental state is that I am no longer paranoid about having enough money to live on in old age. I am not exaggerating when I say that this was a big stress factor in my life that is just not there anymore. I still max out my 401(k), as I always have, because I want the $$ available for emergency medical care, should I need it. I am trying to plan to take the special vacations I expected to take once retired, because I no longer have any expectation of actually being able to retire (my original plan was to work full time until age 70). I find myself paying a lot more attention to details in everything I do, wanting to make sure that, if I don't ever get to do what it was I just did again, at least I did my very best on the try I took. I also get a little twinge when I learn to do something new, that I won't get the chance to put the new found knowledge to work another time.

Since I am ER+/PR+, the odds of recurrance stay fairly steady 10, 15 and 20 years out, so, even if I make it that far, I doubt my mental outlook will ever change. However, I think there is a great deal to be said for living in the present. This was always an area where my SO and I differed quite a bit, to my frustration - he doesn't plan 5 minutes ahead, and I would plan for decades! This has helped the two of us to get much more on the same page. Of course, with his mindset, he never worries that I won't be here tomorrow - as long as I am here right this second, all is fine with him.

I am also more willing to take calculated risks than I was in the past; I am now more afraid to miss having tried than I am of trying and failing. From what I've heard, that is how mentally healthy people think, so maybe part of me had to get sick for another part of me to get cured.

What this thread shows is that we all make whatever adjustments we need to to keep on going. Survivors are an adaptable group - that is what MAKES us Survivors.

Hopeful

08-12-2007, 10:42 AM	#21
Hopeful Senior Member Join Date: Aug 2006 Posts: 3,380	I too, have developed a phobia about planning for a future that I may not be in. About 3 months out is my comfort zone. Anything further than that, and I add the caveat, "if I am still here, then thus and so." The biggest attitude adjustment I had to make was at diagnosis. My mother is in her '90's, and her side of the family routinely got very close to the century mark. My dad's side, not quite as long, but mid-80's, easily. I was 52 years old, trying to plan for another 48 years or so on the planet. In the space of a few days, that expectation was reduced by 90%. As I am an only child with no children of my own, I don't feel the guilt I think a lot of moms feel about possibly not being around for important events in their children's lives. The one positive thing about my mental state is that I am no longer paranoid about having enough money to live on in old age. I am not exaggerating when I say that this was a big stress factor in my life that is just not there anymore. I still max out my 401(k), as I always have, because I want the $$ available for emergency medical care, should I need it. I am trying to plan to take the special vacations I expected to take once retired, because I no longer have any expectation of actually being able to retire (my original plan was to work full time until age 70). I find myself paying a lot more attention to details in everything I do, wanting to make sure that, if I don't ever get to do what it was I just did again, at least I did my very best on the try I took. I also get a little twinge when I learn to do something new, that I won't get the chance to put the new found knowledge to work another time. Since I am ER+/PR+, the odds of recurrance stay fairly steady 10, 15 and 20 years out, so, even if I make it that far, I doubt my mental outlook will ever change. However, I think there is a great deal to be said for living in the present. This was always an area where my SO and I differed quite a bit, to my frustration - he doesn't plan 5 minutes ahead, and I would plan for decades! This has helped the two of us to get much more on the same page. Of course, with his mindset, he never worries that I won't be here tomorrow - as long as I am here right this second, all is fine with him. I am also more willing to take calculated risks than I was in the past; I am now more afraid to miss having tried than I am of trying and failing. From what I've heard, that is how mentally healthy people think, so maybe part of me had to get sick for another part of me to get cured. What this thread shows is that we all make whatever adjustments we need to to keep on going. Survivors are an adaptable group - that is what MAKES us Survivors. Hopeful