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Debbie L. · 04-14-2009, 08:33 PM

Maureen,

I wish that we could fix this for you. But we cannot. We can listen with empathy and some understanding. We can send healing and loving thoughts (and we do). But ultimately, the journey through this is yours alone. I say this not to increase your loneliness but to support you in your explorations of it. YOU DO HAVE THE ANSWERS, right there at hand, within/about you. The answers are there, in whatever place you feel comfortable looking for them - they are there. In your heart, your essence, your spirit, your God, your guide, your Savior - whatever name resonates best with you - your support and answers are there. You only need to still the fears a little, and ask. I am sure of it.

How to still the fears? What helped and helps me is to remember that whatever happens, THIS moment, right now, is marred by my fears only if I allow that to happen. This moment, right now, is mine to cherish or to waste. If I obsess (and believe me, I know how to obsess), I waste this moment. We do not (alas) have as much control over what happens as we'd like to believe we do. You've made excellent and well-researched treatment decisions. Let them go. What happens in the future is not within your control. What happens RIGHT NOW, in this moment - that IS within your control. This moment - that's really all that we have. We can think, and rationalize, and deceive ourselves and others - with the illusion that we can control what comes. But that takes us away from what's real, which is right now.

The most helpful thing that I found, to get myself through a similar place to where you are now, was to say to myself: "do you want to waste this precious moment, right now, in fear or worry about what may happen, especially knowing as you now do, that your moments might be more limited than you'd imagined?". Well, I'd answer - "but I can't STOP thinking about my fears and about my loved ones". So ... (helpful little voice chimes in) ... "What if you have only a few precious moments left to you, and you've wasted them in fear and worry?" Hmm, well ... somehow that helped me to shift my perspective. LIVE RIGHT NOW. None of us knows the future. None of us wants to waste precious moments. What do we lose, if we see this urgency and new perspective as a gift, rather than as a curse? Nothing is lost but our time-wasting fear, and much is gained if we are able to embrace this moment, and all that it holds, with gratitude that we are still here (this moment).

This healing perspective doesn't come just by wishing it or realizing its truth. It comes from practice, and from support from others who've been there/done that. Please, Maureen, keep the dialogue going so that we all can learn from each other, and support each other.

I think that ultimately, these discussions are more important that the ones that discuss medical issues (which I also love - I am addicted to the science - what a paradox). But I do believe that the medical issues, even the life-saving ones, are ultimately of lesser importance.

How LONG we live is less important that HOW we live.

Love and healing thoughts,
Debbie Laxague

04-14-2009, 08:33 PM	#12
Debbie L. Senior Member Join Date: Jul 2006 Posts: 463	it always feels lonely - because only YOU can know your own path Maureen, I wish that we could fix this for you. But we cannot. We can listen with empathy and some understanding. We can send healing and loving thoughts (and we do). But ultimately, the journey through this is yours alone. I say this not to increase your loneliness but to support you in your explorations of it. YOU DO HAVE THE ANSWERS, right there at hand, within/about you. The answers are there, in whatever place you feel comfortable looking for them - they are there. In your heart, your essence, your spirit, your God, your guide, your Savior - whatever name resonates best with you - your support and answers are there. You only need to still the fears a little, and ask. I am sure of it. How to still the fears? What helped and helps me is to remember that whatever happens, THIS moment, right now, is marred by my fears only if I allow that to happen. This moment, right now, is mine to cherish or to waste. If I obsess (and believe me, I know how to obsess), I waste this moment. We do not (alas) have as much control over what happens as we'd like to believe we do. You've made excellent and well-researched treatment decisions. Let them go. What happens in the future is not within your control. What happens RIGHT NOW, in this moment - that IS within your control. This moment - that's really all that we have. We can think, and rationalize, and deceive ourselves and others - with the illusion that we can control what comes. But that takes us away from what's real, which is right now. The most helpful thing that I found, to get myself through a similar place to where you are now, was to say to myself: "do you want to waste this precious moment, right now, in fear or worry about what may happen, especially knowing as you now do, that your moments might be more limited than you'd imagined?". Well, I'd answer - "but I can't STOP thinking about my fears and about my loved ones". So ... (helpful little voice chimes in) ... "What if you have only a few precious moments left to you, and you've wasted them in fear and worry?" Hmm, well ... somehow that helped me to shift my perspective. LIVE RIGHT NOW. None of us knows the future. None of us wants to waste precious moments. What do we lose, if we see this urgency and new perspective as a gift, rather than as a curse? Nothing is lost but our time-wasting fear, and much is gained if we are able to embrace this moment, and all that it holds, with gratitude that we are still here (this moment). This healing perspective doesn't come just by wishing it or realizing its truth. It comes from practice, and from support from others who've been there/done that. Please, Maureen, keep the dialogue going so that we all can learn from each other, and support each other. I think that ultimately, these discussions are more important that the ones that discuss medical issues (which I also love - I am addicted to the science - what a paradox). But I do believe that the medical issues, even the life-saving ones, are ultimately of lesser importance. How LONG we live is less important that HOW we live. Love and healing thoughts, Debbie Laxague __________________ 3/01 ~ Age 49. Occult primary announced by large (6cm) axillary node, found by my husband. 4/01 ~ Bilateral mastectomies (LMRM, R elective simple) - 1.2cm IDC was found at pathology. 5 of 11 axillary nodes positive, largest = 6cm. Stage IIIA ERPR 5%/1% (re-done later at Baylor, both negative at zero). HER2neu positive by IHC and FISH (8.89). Lymphovascular invasion, grade 3, 8/9 modified SBR. TX: Control of arm of NSABP's B-31 adjuvant Herceptin trial (no Herceptin, inducing a severe case of Herceptin-envy): A/C x 4 and Taxol x 4 q3weeks, then rads. Raging infection of entire chest after small revision of mastectomy scar after completing tx (significance unknown). Arimidex for two years, stopped after second pathology opinion. 2017: Mild and manageable lymphedema and some cognitive issues.