[mts]

Michelle-

I really feel your sadness and fear. I think many of us feel like you do... I believe that happiness in many ways is like sadness. Both are either above or below a line in living. I don't know anyone or thing that is permanently happy (even puppies get sad when the master is not around). I also believe that many marriages can't communicate. Often times the message is blurred once it gets into the other person's brain.
Reading your letter is perfectly clear to me... I see quite a bit about how you want to live by your comments on how things are not going on as you would hope! Could you print it and give it to him so he can read it like we are?

I usually tend to give men the benefit of doubt because they don't feel or see things like women do. We attach our feelings to everything... Your husband sounds like he too is dealing with quite a bit. We all lash out most at the ones we love. I bet he has the same fears as you but cannot express them.

Plan an evening with him, get a sitter and go have a nice dinner. It does not need to be expensive...You are obviously the solid minded one of the relationship and perhaps you have to do the extra work necessary to get him to understand what is going on in your heart and mind. Fear is a terrible thing too. But not being able to discuss those fears is worse. A little relationship "time management" could help too. My husband and I have a date night every Saturday regardless. I have also found that foot rubs are really the way to his heart!

Have you thought about counseling? If you are still working, many employers have an Employee Assistance Program (EAP) that covers several free sessions of counseling at no charge to the employee despite having insurance...its a great program. His job might offer it also. Call the HR office and see if it is available...

I certainly do not have the perfect marriage nor do I have perfect children. Cancer has made me totally imperfect. When I was first diagnosed, I used cancer as an excuse for everything going wrong in my life. It certainly did simplify my life... I have streamlined, I say NO better, I make better weekend plans, I take more charge than ever before and that has helped me cope better with the diagnosis. Yes, cancer and all the drugs that go with it do give physical side-effects, but no one really talks about the mental side-effects...

Hang in there Michelle...it really can be worked out... Just think about all you do to contribute to your family. Its a lot isn't it! Your "value" to your family is huge. Let him see what he is taking for granted.

Warmly,

Maria