[Merry]

Five years ago my Mom beat Breast Cancer only to develop lung cancer in October. It's Stage 4 and she was taking chemo only to hold it at bay and give her more time, or so said the docs. She contracted MRSA from the damn port they put in her and it had to be removed. Four weeks of every day anti-biotic transfusions killed the bacteria but she was unable to receive chemo. After this last round of chemo, she's been nothing but nauseated and we have tried most all of the anti-nausea drugs including synthetic marijuana which made her sicker.
I have been staying at her house since Dec 20 and it feels like I'm just waiting around for her to die. She skipped her next chemo treatment because she's been too sick to get off the couch and when the Visting Nurse came by, we spoke of hospice care because she is thinking she cannot take being sick like this in her remaining time. She's a fighter and this is killing me because it feels like she's giving up. I don't want her to do anything extraordinary that will cause her misery but I don't wanna lose my Mom. We've been extremely close all our lives and I know in my mind that everyone dies, but oh man, NOT LIKE THIS!
I have to call the clinic today to cancel her chemo and I don't know what to ask or say to them. Will the Oncologist still consider my Mom her patient or do they just 'write her off' and let the hospice take over? I would very much like to have someone order a PET scan, or MRI or SOME kind of test to see if the cancer spread, but the last time I asked, I was told that it was "too soon" because she only had 2 chemo treatments.

I am on my own pretty much in taking care of my Mom. I don't know if I am doing anything right other than being a good cook, and housekeeper, lol. She's so weak and tired all the time that it breaks my heart to see what was once a vibrant, fiesty woman who was always in her garden or flower beds reduced to this pale, wan and wobbly woman.
I don't get much time to myself and is that selfish of me to think that? I walk her dog for about an hr every day when I know she can be left alone. I'm not far away in case something happens but if it did, I'd never forgive myself. It feels so wonderful to be outside for a little while but then I have to come back to this House of Pain. I'm trying very hard to make her laugh and keep the vibes light but we both know how this ends.
I'm not sure if I'm asking anything, but thanks for just letting me write this down because I have no outlet to let off the pressure I feel inside. I left my husband behind to come back here to look after my Mom and I miss my new life in a new state. When I feel overwhelmed I guiltily wish I was back there with him and our dog. My younger brother is totally useless as far as help and I have to take care of his lunch, dinner, laundry, messes in the house, because Mom has made him dependent on her care over the years and if I don't do it, she will try to.
How do I learn to accept that she can't fight this disease with chemo treatments and watch her slip away without a fight? It seems so wrong but yet I can't bear to see her so sick from the treatments that are not going to cure her. It's truly a "rock and a hard place" where I am today....
God bless you for letting me 'vent' a bit....peace and love, mgl