[dlaxague]

I agree with almost everything that's been said and won't repeat the wise words already here. Except to add two things:

I do think that Jackie is right-on with her comment about talking about hard things and reviewing them repeatedly. I remember clearly that vulnerable "burst-into-tears" period soon after diagnosis and treatment. But I had people to talk to (other survivors, online) and over time, as I vented and explored, I became perfectly comfortable with any lay-person discussion of cancer, without that personal emotional component (except for anger when mis truths like "positive-attitude-cures-cancer" were bandied about - that took a little longer to resolve, because I bridled in defense of the many wonderful, and positive, women I know who did succumb to breast cancer. Now, I can respond politely and calmly to dispel that theory, but it took awhile to achieve distance).

I achieved it, eventually, thanks to my wonderful online breast cancer friends who listened. Just the listening - not even the agreeing or the sharing - but the simple honest support of loving and non-judgmental listening - helped me so much.

Nowadays, I am still frequently astounded when I meet someone with breast cancer in their past. They begin to tell me what happened to them, perhaps even 20 years ago. They seem to be perfectly normal, functioning women. But when they start to tell me details of their experience with breast cancer - they are so vulnerable. Often, tears come to them. I think that's because they didn't have a place (unlike us on this list) to talk honestly about the experience.

Because I had an online community of support (I hadn't found the HER2list at that time - for me it was bclist.org), I didn't need to rely on those in my "regular" life for that. I was able to take whatever clumsy things they said to me (and most involved that darned "positive-attitude-beats-cancer" theme) as simple expressions that they cared about me and about what happened to me and so I was able to thank them, with sincerity, for their concerns.

Secondly, as we discuss these shared emotions here, we are building our ability to educate the lay public. If we respond with tears and anger (perfectly reasonable responses - I had them in the beginning and suspect that all people diagnosed with cancer have them if they allow themselves to think) - those truths that we are saying are written off by most people as our way of "dealing with" our fears and tribulations. I remember after one emotional vent in those early days, someone said to me "that must feel good to have gotten that off your chest", as if it was all emotion and no truth. Totally dismissive. I'm sure that's how it sounded at the time. Now, with less emotion and more calm certainty, I'm able to discuss the exact same topic (positive-attitude-does-not-cure-cancer) and I am taken seriously.

Molly Ivins said it succinctly (you may have noticed, succinctness is not a skill of mine (laughing!)):

" "Another thing you get as a cancer patient is a lot of football-coach patter. "You can beat this; you can win; you're strong; you're tough; get psyched." I suspect that cancer doesn't give a rat's ass whether you have a positive mental attitude. It just sits in there multiplying away, whether you are admirably stoic or weeping and wailing. The only reason to have a positive mental attitude is that it makes life better. It doesn't cure cancer."

Debbie Laxague