[Andrea Barnett Budin]

Just beautiful Agness.

A GIFT OF DELIBERATENESS. This is how I chose to see my 4th stage invasive lobular carcinoma dx.

As Life became ever more precious and sweet. As I felt myself become the glorious sky; a part of All That Is -- I believed I was in a process. The surgeries, the chemotherapy, the pain, bathroom drama and nausea, the utter exhaustion, the baldness, the sacrifice of my beloved breast were a part of the process. The grave statistics were there but I would surpass them! Like Olympic champions who set new records never dreamed of being possible. I could and would do this.

The fear I quickly discarded. I KNEW it was not good for me to focus my attention on fear. To give the fear more power over me than the cancer itself. I would not give my power away, to anyone or anything. The fear and odds were daunting but I could and would climb that mountain, one step at a time. With complete certainty that I would realize my goal. I lived AS IF. As if what I imagined to be my victory was on its way to me at every moment, making its way to me incrementally. I didn't have your words, Agness, but that was precisely what I saw my cancer dx as -- A GIFT OF DELIBERATENESS.

Ii made me Aware of my mission. To show my daughters and those who came along with me and after me that like an Olympic champion, the one survivor of a terrorist attack or plane crash, I would intentionally go beyond the expected range, outside the statistical probability.

I meditated daily and found immense serenity. I envisioned myself far, far into the future and KNEW I would be there. The vision would become reality! I lived with joy and inner peace, beyond the turmoil of thoughts and images that struggled to stick in my head. I was on constant alert to their appearance and as I recognized sentences that began, I'm just afraid that -- I reached out and strangled the phrase and tossed it as far away from me as I possibly could. Get out of here!

I commanded my body to survive. I spoke to it lovingly in the dark hours and explained my Expectation and my Intention. So that my body would hear the commands that came up from my core, from my Essence, my Inner Voice (NOT the voice in my head). I KNEW the mindbody connection was real. I'd read about it for decades. I'd seen specials on PBS demonstrating its veracity. I KNEW my body would response to my words and visions. I had done it with years of a debilitating back concern. Some docs called it degenerating disc disease. Hell! I was 40. Degenerating means it will get even worse. Dear God -- NO. A physiatrist taught me that the pain was coming from my thoughts. A fascinating story I will tell you another time. I learned that we send imperceptible messages from our brain to our body and physical disorders and great pain can come from just that. Now what?, I asked Dr. Sarno, the physiatrist in Manhattan at NYU Med Center. JUST THAT KNOWLEDGE WILL SET YOU FREE...

Wow. I walked, still somewhat stooped out of his office and saw the implications. WE ALL HAVE THIS REMARKABLE POWER WITHIN US! We need only to awaken to it and it is ours to use. If we focus on positive outcomes rather than give in to the inevitable, we can not only climb mountains, WE CAN MOVE THEM! It was a stunning revelation.

Within 2 wks, I was free of 2 years of back pain!

I use this power to pass a kidney stone that was the size of Texas. I refused surgery. It was 1980. There was no lithotripsy yet to shatter the stone immersed in a water tank. I willed it. I visualized the path the stone would take (shown the plastic figure on our innards that sat on my urologist's desk). I drank 10 glasses of water a day to push it through. I KNEW that as I was told -- each time the pain became especially excruciating, it was a GOOD thing. It meant the stone was on the move, making its way to its final destination. So rather than clutch and tighten up in response to that pain, I let go and went with it KNOWING it was making its way out of my body.

So with cancer, I was in touch with my body and I KNEW, as I'd read, that my words, thoughts and whispers would invoke it to heal my bodily dysfunction (aka cancer). I KNEW that my guided imagery (seeing myself far far into the future in vivid detail) would serve to entice not only my body, but the Universe itself, to collude with me and move atoms and bring my most thought about dreams to me. I call my chosen destiny to me with each day. I do so with deliberateness.

I have decided to go with the 100 yr plan. I will live to 100 in good health, maintain my mental faculties and no major bodily ailments. I will walk and dance! I will laugh and converse. I will hug and love. And in time, maybe at 104, I will die of something entirely different than cancer. And so it will be...

And I KNOW my supplements help me get to my finish line, decades away still. I keep breathing, taking in air through my nose and holding on to it, holding on to The Now, and blowing is out through my pursed lips along with all that is unwanted in my body. I can hear the whoosh as I say goodbye to all that is unwanted. I see myself in the Catskills woods a young boy took me to, to share a wondrous sight. Midst the bramble and brush was a little Eden clearing. Surrounded by tall trees with unkempt twigs like cobwebs among its branches, looking regal and ancient. There was a miniature lake and a gushing sound of moving water though the lake was still and reflecting the gorgeous sunlight and the tall tree trunks. I saw colors of flowers about and heard birds chirping and singing in delight. We ran around the open spaces with our arms outstretched and laughed and rejoiced. It was grand. I was 15. I return to that spot in my meditations every day. Though sometimes I go back to scenes from Yosemite which awed me to the core. It is where I transport myself midst my meditation, so as not to allow any other thoughts to enter my head. I become preoccupied with the beauty and the joy and serenity.

When I return to Now that is precisely how I feel, no matter what else is going in the turmoil of Life. I do not think of what was, I do not worry about what might be, I simply KNOW I am here and I AM HEALTHY AND WELL (even midst full blown cancer). I DO NOT HAVE CANCER. NO MORE CANCER. My daily mantra. Just to set the record straight with my body. And cause I KNOW the Universe senses the vibrational frequency of all I put out in thoughts and words and responds IN KIND. So I concentrate on what I want what I fear. Lest I call what I don't want to me.

I AM are most powerful..! Anything you say after that -- will be so...