[Colleens_Husband]

Dear Friends:

I have noticed that I have tried to avoid posting here for the last month or so. I was trained as a psychologist so I recognize resistance as an ego defense and I know that was what was happening with me. The thing about resistance is that it is almost always helpful to find and understand the reasons it is manifesting itself in your behavior.

So I forced myself to come here, read your posts and post myself as a way to see why I have been avoiding the subject of cancer. And I think it all comes down to the post treatment blues. Colleen has finished her chemotherapy, surgery, radiation, and she is a third of the way through her Herceptin. During the treatment phase we were pro-active. We studied, prayed, changed diets, worked at keeping Colleen healthy physically and emotionally. Basically, we did things. For a male guy type person, doing things seems perfectly natural and it is the way I want to be involved.

Now, in contrast, we are sitting around waiting for cancer to either stay away or come back and cause more grief. Sitting around and waiting for things to either get worse or stay the same is just not a very appetizing prospect. Guys are warriors. (and so are the women on this site). Warriors don't wait around and wait for your enemies to come and get you. I want to go kick some cancer butt. Unfortunately, my place as a caregiver right now is to sit, wait, and not get Colleen too riled up.

I suppose I can just try to ignore the potential wolf at the door at start to live again, but we have been in 'cancer mode' for a year and a half now and it seems like a rut that is hard to break out of.

I am pretty sure the solution is to let time pass and the cancer worries will eventually fade away. If any of the other caretakers has experiences they would like to relate, It would certainly be comforting to hear.

Thanks for reading my post.

Lee