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What a great discussion. Everyone has made good points.
I'm not arguing for or against the memorial page idea. I do have to say that I think this site "belongs" not just to the list owners but also to all of you who love it and nurture it.
You can probably already tell that the topic of death and dying holds only richness for me. Also, of course, it holds sadness but it's a sadness with a smile of love attached. Exploring what it means to know and accept that we are going to die has lessened my fear and increased my appreciation for life. There's no reason that everyone can't move toward acceptance of death as part of the cycle of life. I want to stress that I do not mean that the process will ever become "easy". It is inexpressibly hard to lose a loved one, or to face our own death. It is sad-beyond-sad, and sometimes lonely. But it's also a time of richness and opportunity. Opportunity for love and closeness and learning.
If we could take away the knee-jerk panic in response to the idea of dying that is such a common reaction in our society, there would be much less suffering. Someone else said it, also. The way out of pain is to lean into it. Avoiding it, denying it, refusing to look at it - those ways of coping simply stuff it deeper down where it festers and hurts us and eventually comes erupting out in even more scary ways.
I think that the way to begin taking away that panic is to have calm and loving discussions like we are having right now. Gently pointing out that there can be something for each of us, in allowing ourselves to explore the topic of death.
If we believe that in order to be okay after a breast cancer diagnosis, we MUST NOT DIE OF BREAST CANCER, then we are on the wrong track. Of course we hope not to die of breast cancer, but being okay is not about whether we live or die. It's about living right now in this moment with every ounce of love and appreciation we can muster. If we focus on live/die, we miss much. We stay stuck in fear and avoidance. If we shift our focus just a little bit, from not-dying, to living right now - ahhh - it's like taking a deep breath of fresh air that fills every cell in our bodies with love and appreciation. Okay, I'm getting carried away (smile).
One more point - for those who are actively dying, and for their loved ones, this site (or more accurately, the love that is present on this site) offers much. We don't want to put such an emphasis on "positivity" and not scaring the already-scared that we shut down these people at a time when they need our support, do we? And of course it goes both ways - in supporting and loving them, we are learning and growing.
I just don't see how a cancer forum can expect to function on anything more than a very superficial level if there's this avoidance of one of the most important subjects related to cancer. Those who are too scared to read don't have to read. Sadly, they probably are not ready to receive help from any kind of cancer site, anyway. I guess that there could be a special forum where only those who have not had a recurrence are allowed to post, and discussion of fear, recurrence, and death is banned. But what a shallow and stilted conversation that would be.
Love,
Debbie Laxague
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