[Jackie07]

Disclaimer: Felt like I needed to have a big ranting party here. Skip this thread if it's too sensitive an issue to you...

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I saw my oncologist today. He checked on my neck and shoulder where I've been having problems. But he did not find the spot that hurt.

After I got home, I ran my finger through the area and located it. It's on the front, right side of my neck [He was standing behind me while checking both sides of my neck with his fingers.]

Hubby and I started a big argument after I had served supper when I asked him to call my doctor tomorrow to ask for a PET/CAT scan to check the problem spot. He refused to help me and kept on saying that I was acting like a 'retard' and that I had embarrassed him last time in our family doctor's office. [Our family doctor complained to him: "She thinks we are all idiots!"]

My problem started last September when I had had 'vertigo' after doing some shoulder/neck exercise per physical therapist's prescription. The family doctor ordered some tests (out of my requests) and only found some 'vertebrae degeneration' [He didn't even tell me that part. He just told me "It's fine." I had to get the 'degeneration' part from a physician friend who works at the same hospital.] The oncologist said today that I had some irritation on the 'process' of the vertebrae. I don't think we were talking about the same spot because he never touched the place that hurt.

Hubby's threatening divorce - kept on telling me to go back to Taiwan to stay with my family.

He has been on my insurance since quitting his full-time job in late 2000. He only worked part-time briefly afterwards and has not been working at all since 2004, two years after he had got 2 stents in his coronary arteries. Now he's telling me we should sell the house and split everything half and half. He felt like he deserves his share because he had to take care of me all these years (while we were completely depending on my salary, money sent by my family overseas, and my unemployment compensation?)

What's hurting me most is that he declares that he doesn't love me anymore. He said that he had not had 'real sex' for 6, 7 years...

I understand that 'men are from Mars, women are from Venus.' But should I just forget about this relationship that had endured two brain surgeries, one heart procedure (his) and two breast cancer surgeries? I know he's still depressed, but he had quit taking antidepressant that was prescribed by a psychiatrist last years. The therapist he had seen merely pampered him and tried to boost his self-confidence by telling him that there's nothing wrong with him having gone through so many major changes (Mother-in-law's Alzheimer's and passing, my cancer and recurrence, my job losses...) in life.

He probably will file for divorce if he read this. But he is completely computer illiterate - even though with a college degree which he had finally earned with my help (my In-laws 'had' loved me for that.)

He's been using 'should have' sentences constantly lately [actually, 'several years'.]

Oh, about being a hypochondriac.... and the reason why I did not talk in a respect way when refering to several of my doctors:

My huge brain tumor was not found until I had changed our primary physician, pushed for referrals from the 2nd primary, and then with some devine guidance (luck?) took advice from a couple of [one was retired] physician friends to persist in finding the cause of my headaches, dizziness, skin problems... etc.

My brain tumor 'recurrence' was not found until a delayed (got the new surgeon's 'OK' to skip a year trying to save money) routine MRI - I had got so sick at work [Why didn't my husband notice anything? "You are always sick," he declares] that eventually I lost my job just 1 1/2 year after a big promotion.

He did contribute some in the discovery of my first breast cancer. He had felt it just 30 hours before my routine mammogram. But the next four years he never had suspected anything even though the residue tumor had grown to 2+ cm (I'm extremely 'flat') and was misread as 'scar tissue' over and over again.

Was he not noticing my cancer recurrence because subconsciously he did not really care anymore? He had a 'shouting game' with my 2nd Sister who had come to take care of me after my mastectomy. He stayed over at his Dad's during my recuperation because his Mom happened to be in bad shape in the nursing home at the time (that's why I had asked my Sister to come.) My Mother-in-law eventually passed away 6 months later (Jan. 2008.)

I know the visit/help of my sister was a big factor of our relationship becoming problematic. Her 'brutal' honesty forced us to face the 'reality' - hubby was completely 'humiliated' and started using 'hateful' languages.

Is he acting like this because he's afraid that I would divorce him after (if) I get to collect disability pension? Is he acting like this because my unemployment is going to run out soon in the summer?

I know my Father-in-law will love to have hubby staying with him in the country. Though these days hubby's been using me as excuse for not going over there to stay with his Dad more often.

Should I just continue to allow him to vent his frustration? With no future job prospect (he has made no effort at all - why risk a heart attack looking for work in this kind of economy at this rural town where most jobs he can do pay just above minimum wage?) I guess he's just trying to grab whatever he can get right now. He probably would have left (as he had talked constantly back then) had I not got my unemployment extended last summer.

How awful it is to have cancer! We are forced to deal with the cruel reality and ugly human nature. We are forced to abandon our idealism, our innocence, and the so-called 'love'...

No wonder all the religions are focused on 'love'. We humans long for the unfailing love. But 'true love' rarely exists - because we have no control over either our biology or our psychology, let alone our destiny.

"Is it all just a bad dream?"

[Our Spanish teacher had taught us a Spanish poem that contains the sentence.]

Then I heard hubby screaming (while watching 'King of the Hill' in the other room): "I'm having a nightmare!"