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StephN · 03-13-2009, 03:30 PM

Dear Vickie -
You have elequently described how so many of us try to "outrun the past AND future" by staying busier than our energy really can tolerate. This is actually more like going on Autopilot and hoping we don't crash!

We get so wrapped up in making sure everyone else is OK that we have no time left for ourselves, which, of course is the purpose of running our lives this way.

This behavior is akin to the "cancer radio in my head" that I posted about. We want to hear other things and try to ignore the fact that this "radio" is always with is just like a shadow.

I am certain that our behaviors change with a cancer diagnosis, and we start to keep a lot of "secrets" while putting on a brave face. Once I started to realize those secrets existed - even from myself - I tried to begin to deal with them. Definitely NOT an easy task. Easier to do the ostrich thing!

Thanks for opening your heart this way. I am sure so very many of us can completely relate.

03-13-2009, 03:30 PM	#5
StephN Senior Member Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: Misty woods of WA State Posts: 4,128	Dear Vickie - You have elequently described how so many of us try to "outrun the past AND future" by staying busier than our energy really can tolerate. This is actually more like going on Autopilot and hoping we don't crash! We get so wrapped up in making sure everyone else is OK that we have no time left for ourselves, which, of course is the purpose of running our lives this way. This behavior is akin to the "cancer radio in my head" that I posted about. We want to hear other things and try to ignore the fact that this "radio" is always with is just like a shadow. I am certain that our behaviors change with a cancer diagnosis, and we start to keep a lot of "secrets" while putting on a brave face. Once I started to realize those secrets existed - even from myself - I tried to begin to deal with them. Definitely NOT an easy task. Easier to do the ostrich thing! Thanks for opening your heart this way. I am sure so very many of us can completely relate. __________________ "When I hear music, I fear no danger. I am invulnerable. I see no foe. I am related to the earliest times, and to the latest." H.D. Thoreau Live in the moment. MY STORY SO FAR ~~~~ Found suspicious lump 9/2000 Lumpectomy, then node dissection and port placement Stage IIB, 8 pos nodes of 18, Grade 3, ER & PR - Adriamycin 12 weekly, taxotere 4 rounds 36 rads - very little burning 3 mos after rads liver full of tumors, Stage IV Jan 2002, one spot on sternum Weekly Taxol, Navelbine, Herceptin for 27 rounds to NED! 2003 & 2004 no active disease - 3 weekly Herceptin + Zometa Jan 2005 two mets to brain - Gamma Knife on Jan 18 All clear until treated cerebellum spot showing activity on Jan 2006 brain MRI & brain PET Brain surgery on Feb 9, 2006 - no cancer, 100% radiation necrosis - tumor was still dying Continue as NED while on Herceptin & quarterly Zometa Fall-2006 - off Zometa - watching one small brain spot (scar?) 2007 - spot/scar in brain stable - finished anticoagulation therapy for clot along my port-a-catheter - 3 angioplasties to unblock vena cava 2008 - Brain and body still NED! Port removed and scans in Dec. Dec 2008 - stop Herceptin - Vaccine Trial at U of W begun in Oct. of 2011 STILL NED everywhere in Feb 2014 - on wing & prayer 7/14 - Started twice yearly Zometa for my bones Jan. 2015 checkup still shows NED 2015 Neuropathy in feet - otherwise all OK - still NED. Same news for 2016 and all of 2017. Nov of 2017 - had small skin cancer removed from my face. Will have Zometa end of Jan. 2018.