[Merry]

Been awhile for me to be back here, but I get so little time that getting online isn't a priority, as much as it helps me get away and interact with others. The Visiting Nurse keeps explaining to Mom about Hospice and the drugs that they can give her that will help. There's one in particular that even temporarily shrinks tumors. She refuses Hospice. She says she isn't ready for them. So, I am left to deal with her alone. It wouldn't be so awful if my brother would do something besides get stinking drunk every day. He won't even go to work, using her illness to abuse the Family Medical Leave Act by lying and saying he needs to be home to help his Mother. Ha freaking Ha! He's a spoiled rotten man and unfortunately, it was my Mom who did this to him. He has been taken care of by her his whole life. She has picked up after him, washed his clothes, hung them out to dry, folded and put them away, cooked and made his lunch. So, if I don't do it she'll try to do it herself and she can barely walk because her oxy levels are low when she does. I can't tell you how angry I am at him every time I have to re wash the floors because he tracked in crud or wiped off the counters because he eats like a pig. He'll wash his clothes but leave them in the washer. I'll do it all for my Mom but I'm stressing so bad over her illness and trying to take care of her that the Family Doc wrote me a script for Zoloft, lolol I need uppers to keep me going, not something that will turn me into a zombie! I can't talk to my brother because he never wants to hear it. I'm just tired and I want to go home to my own home where my husband is and where it stays clean, and the weather is always sunny and warm. I've not seen the sun for over a week and all it's done is rain. I have chronic sinus problems and the headache never goes away.
My cousin is having a picnic and invited Mom and I but she can't go because she says her lungs are too full of fluid and I should go. I told her I couldn't possibly have a good time with worrying about her! I called the hospital because she has a standing order to have them drained but it's a holiday weekend and she'll probably have to go thru the ER to get it done, and she refuses to go! She told me to go to the picnic, that my brother will watch over her but he's outside drinking. That certainly makes me feel SO much better!! Maybe I should go anyway and not think about it?
I'm so sorry for rambling on and whining but this is the only place I have to bitch, and you guys are super for putting up with it. I did get to go out for lunch with a friend yesterday and I had a beer for the first time in months and it felt so good! I even bought a cool Western hat for when I go back out there, lol. I'm glad that God has let my Mom be here longer than she was supposed to be, but it's making me crazy living in her packrat house and never getting enough sleep.
She wants to fight this disease but won't take chemo anymore because it makes her so sick. She also will not go back to her Oncologist because she feels uncared for and all they want to do is give her chemo. She wants to try radiation but they said it wouldn't work. I'm going to call her Radiologist Tuesday and ask him what he thinks, if I can talk to him at all. The cancer hasn't spread to her organs according to the last test, and it's only in her left lung but the tumors are growing. I've never seen such a lack of concern and care by the Oncologist and don't blame her for not wanting to go back. But she needs to do something besides watch TV and wait to die. I can't even get her a scooter because Medicare says she can get around the house well enough and won't pay.
Well, I've complained enough so I'll go now. A big hug to everyone who is caring for their Mom or another loved one, and more hugs to all the survivors! It's Memorial Day, keep the memory of the ones who have gone before alive in your hearts..peace, G