[Merry]

Thanks MA in TX....I get out of the house every night for an hr or so to walk the dog. Mom's got a big, rowdy boxer that strayed into her life and she never taught him any manners, or discipline so I'm trying to get him to be a better dog. He'll have to come live with me and my husband and our other boxer when I go back to NM. I'm just overly frustrated trying to care for her, and her house. She's a hoarder and there's so much crap that I can't even make a dent in it. And I'm a fanatical type housekeeper so this mess makes me crazy. She has been taking care of my younger brother all of his life so he has no clue on cleaning up after himself. If I don't cook for him, wash his clothes, pick up after him, or make his lunch, Mom tries to do it. If I say anything to him, it turns into a terrible argument so it's not worth it. I just try and bite my tongue and continue on. And it's awful having to live in this house. It's so cluttered, dusty and dirty. I can't clean enough yet it never looks better. She has a cockatiel that never shuts up so that keeps me from getting any decent rest.
I wanted to take Mom to NM to live with my husband and I. He is more than willing to help care for her out there. She won't go. I understand why.
She refuses to allow Hospice to start coming over. She feels like if she does, she's "giving in" to the cancer and will die that much sooner. The "experts" said she wouldn't see Christmas and here she's into Mother's Day already! Thank God! She won't even consider a wheel chair for the same reason. She told the Visiting Nurse that being in a wheel chair is the last step before dying. I tried to explain that it would be the best way to go shopping so that she wouldn't have to be so out of breath by trying to push a cart around Walmart. So no Hospice help and no wheel chair, or scooter, lol
There's some good times too, like a few days ago I gave Mom a perm and she loves her curly locks! She would never let me before but now I can fix her hair for her every morning and she loves it. I pick flowers from her flower beds and bring them into the house so she can enjoy her blooms. The dog makes her smile and laugh and she's happy that he's so taken with me. My brother hates the dog and is only nice to him because of Mom. We go to lunch to see my Uncle or cousin and she enjoys that too. I hope to get her a scooter so she can go with me when I walk the dog.
Sunday she was able to roast a chicken and that made her feel good. If Hospice could start, I think I'd take a day/night and spend it in a hotel room with a large bed, a large pizza and a 6 pack! LoL It would be amazing to get some real sleep away from cobwebs, large, ever growing dust bunnies, and that screeching cockatiel of hers.
I know I sound like a whiny bitch and I don't mean to be. I miss my privacy, and my independence. I don't really know how to talk to Mom about dying either. She's always saying "and when I'm not here anymore...do this or that." I know she's scared and I don't know what to say. Each of us will face our deaths in our own way and all I can do is fix her a cuppa tea and a grilled cheese sandwich, LoL
Some help I am! Not very good spiritual help.
Well, thanks again MA...and thanks to everyone who kicks in with a suggestion or a good vibe. It means a lot to me! Peace, G