[jml]

I can't tell you how helpful your voices of prayers, compassion, tenderness have helped me and my family get through this heartbreaking time.
The hospice counselors and doctors were gentle and caring with all of us, especially my mom who felt helpless after a year of doing all his care, then suddenly leaving it all to the rn's & cna's- she felt so empty-handed.
We sat with him daily &my mom stayed overnights. He lasted in hospice for 12 days, much longer than they estimated when we arrived, but my Dad was a strong, stubborn,tough man! I would just sit with him, reading a book while he slept & holding his hand under his blanket. He would even reflexively squeeze every so often.
The last 36 hours were the most difficult. Just watching him, fearing the 'worst' and not knowing what to pray for him-just like alicem said, only that there would be no fear, that we would all be okay and would take care of each other and that all that existed was Love. I prayed the rosary every day with him, and since it was a Catholic hospice we has numerous visits from priests and nuns, for
anointing and communion. It was very comforting to me.
In his last moments, my sisters and I surrounded his bed, each holding his
hands, with my other sister's hand on his heart, while my mom kissed his
face, whispered in his ear and smoothed his hair.Sadly my oldest sister who had been here earlier in the week had already to returned LA to be with her
kids & husband & wasn't able to be with us. But we told him how much she loved him- I know she's so sad not to have been with us.
My mom & sisters tell me his last breaths were very gentle and peaceful-my head was buried, sobbing in his hand, but am glad to know there was peace at
the end.
After this experience with my Dad I thought I would have a better sense & comfort with my own mortaliy - dealing with my stage iv disease for~10yrs, 200+ rounds of chemo, running out of options & hoping and praying for pertuzamab & tdm1 to quickly come to market, but I'm still feeling confused. All I do know is I have to keep fighting like crazy because I can't bear the thought of my family enduring more sadness right now.
I don't want to think about myself right now- I just want to celebrate his life at his service next week, with friends, family, his university colleagues and students who adored him.
Thank you again for all your kind words, prayers and encouragement. Your friendships are invaluable to me.
God bless & Aloha~
Jessica