[eva9310]

I thought the Pacitaxol/Herceptin/Perjeta would be easier than the A/C. I don't have 3 days of laying in bed but the side effects are horrible for me and I don't know what is causing them.

I have 12 weeks that go like this 4X

Week 1 - Perjeta/Taxol/Herceptin
Week 2 - Taxol
Week 3 - Taxol

Then I start all over for a total of 12 weeks.

I have a rash on my face that comes and goes, it's horrible and it itches. I have blisters on the joints of my hands that itch but don't seem to be getting worse.

I have diarrhea so bad, I thought it finally stopped but it's back.

Neuropathy (is that what its called) is horrible. My son asked me to open is gatorade bottle and I thought the ridges on the cap when twisting were going to tear my hand open.

My feet, ankles, hands and knees are swelling.

the post nasal drip is non stop, embarrassing, my nose skin is raw from tissue and my nose bleeds from all the drainage but aquapohor seems to help inside and out.

I'm generally a non complainer, push through at all costs but I've only completed treatment 5 out of 12 and I don't know if I can make it! Two weeks ago I would have never said that!!!

Add in the prospect of surgery, now second guessing the diep since I can't get the size to match and maybe need to do double mastectomy with diep and implants.

I said the other day chemo was an easy choice because I didn't have to worry about surgery but they want answers and we need to make decisions but now it all seems so complicated plus the thought of radiation kills me. My docs have agreed to do the sentinel lymph node dissection/ biopsy a week before surgery so that we can know what our plan is before surgery regarding radiation since I'm in a grey area of having to radiate.

Radiation petrifies me, expanders horrify me. For the first time I feel down in the dumps, depressed and don't know how I can get through all this. I know God will give me the strength I need to get through it but all the decisions seem to have a down side. There is no easy answer to any of it.

I don't even know if they will let me do a double! Will they take a healthy breast? I can't remember what my odds are of developing a second cancer in the other breast.

I was a perfectly healthy 41 year old not too long ago, 2 kids who keep me busy, a owner of a business, wife mom etc and now I feel like a haggard 41 year old going on 60!!! I feel vain for being worried about my body after surgery. :-( I was happy at 5'4", 130-140 pounds and a size D. Was I perfect no but it's who I was and I was perfectly content with it. I was never into fashion, shopping, clothes etc. Most days I'm in work out clothes or in my swimsuit hanging out playing with my family in the pool (because we live in Houston TX and we swim 9 months out of the year). I wish I could get past the image part. It makes me feel shallow to be so concerned about something I never thought about before. Probably because I took it for granted.

Sorry for the rant, just feeling down.