[CoolBreeze]

Hi Tracy,

I think cancer does bring out your natural tendencies; whether pessimistic or optimistic.

Tracy, here is my mastectomy story: I had beautiful breasts. Beautiful. Somebody once offered me $500.00 just for a look and they said my boyfriend could be there - just wanted a glance. (I didn't take him up on it.) I stopped traffic with my breasts.

As I aged, my breasts didn't. Dorian Gray breasts, I called them. I was very very lucky - everybody has one good physical feature, and my breasts were mine. My face is blah, my arms and legs are sticks, but my breast/waist/hip ratio was perfect. And, I too hate fake boobs.

I fought very hard for a lumpectomy, but there was too much cancer. So, I opted for a uni because I wanted to keep one - why cut off a healthy breast?

I thought I would be devastated, since I was so dependent on that one feature to feel beautiful.

But, as it turns out, I wasn't.

Once the surgery was done and the hard part of looking the first time was over, I found it didn't bother me at all. Not even the smallest bit. I didn't get a perfect reconstruction either, and that doesn't matter. I look normal in clothes and that is good enough for me. I don't look at myself in horror in the mirror. It's still my body, just different.

I wish I could tell you why the angst fell away. I guess I realized I had no choice, I had more things to live for than my breasts.

That sadly, was driven home for me, big time, with a stage IV diagnosis 18 months after the mastectomy. Breasts? Bah! Who cares - you will get to see your kids graduate from high school, go to college, get married - weddings, grandchildren. Those are the things that matter.

Being a pessimistic sort, you may have to work at gaining that attitude. If the surgery is over, you are recovered, and you still feel that way, try some positive affirmations. Put encouraging statements on your bathroom mirror, where you can see them regularly. "We are not our bodies - we are our families" stuff like that.

Make it the "lesson of cancer" to try to cultivate an optimistic attitude a little more often.

I find that people who are self-conscious about their new bodies seem to think people are sneaking glances or noticing. I have never once noticed that, and I tell a lot of people I have had a mastectomy, I'm quite public about it. If you see somebody glance down, I interpret as a normal glance down. You might interpret it as somebody "trying to see." You will be more self conscious with a pessimistic mindset. So, be aware of that. I have found that most people don't think about you near as much as we think they do.

Keep all that in mind as you recover.

And, know you aren't alone, most of us have faced fear and worry about mastectomy and what it will do to our image of ourselves. I certainly did and was surprised at my "it doesn't matter" attitude. If you are one of the many who finds that their image is changed, than you need to work to overcome that. You really are the same wonderful wife and mother you always have been, and it's important to focus on that.

You are way ahead of the game knowing what your difficulty may be, and I have every confidence you will overcome it.

Good luck to you and big hugs.