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Old 12-13-2014, 01:12 AM   #6
JessicaV
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Join Date: Apr 2014
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Re: How do you cope with losing a child

Dear Mom, I just want to say how sorry I am that you have lost your daughter, and to pass on a thought that I hope might be helpful.
I had a good friend Trish whose husband Steve carried a defective gene that resulted in their daughter having severe physical and mental disabilities. He carried this gene because his mum was the first NZ survivor of polio to have kids so they xrayed her frequently through her first pregnancy. Steve was the next child, conceived with an egg damaged by all the xrays. Trish told me that while Steve was responsible for them having a severely disabled child, he had no reason to feel shame, guilt or to blame himself. Doing so was only going to hurt him and waste his energy and deprive him of happiness. The only useful approach was to decide how to make his role and the involvement into a useful one that inspired him to be a better husband and father.
You too have no cause to feel guilt, to blame yourself, to feel shame, to believe you did anything wrong. I am sure your daughter was glad you gave her life, and so are your grandchildren, even though they miss her. But now you can turn your sadness and grief into a quest to bring good things into the lives of those hurt by the one bad thing, to support your grandchildren as your daughter would like to have done herself, and see them through to successful lives as adults. Or maybe there is some other but similar quest that would help you to turn this meaningless tragedy and grief into something profoundly valuable. A redemption.
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