Hello there, CEESAN,
From the getgo I didn't question Why Me. I did graze over the fact that my father's mom (grandma) had bc, as did my dad's sister (aunt). I was on HRT for 6 mnths. Might have triggered the problem. I participated in a study (donating a bit of my orig tumor) b/c I lived on Long Island and our bc rate was way higher than anywhere else on the planet (which is an abysmal reality to begin with for all women!). I wanted to help others get to the root cause (was it the water, the pesticides, whatever).
I informed myself about bc. I saw the stats and got sick to my stomach. I decided I wasn't a statistic and that someone had to fall in the little group of survivors the books and articles all spoke of. WHO ARE THEY, I wondered? I decided they were the ones who were actively involved in achieving and maintaining wellness with every fiber of their being. Not the ones who agitated, were filled w/anger, blame, resentment, the inability to forgive and FEAR!
I did, and do, my best to recognize, acknowledge and rid myself of all that negativity as quickly as I can. It only serves to weaken me.
I began reading what I saw as Self Help books. They turned out to impel me on a spiritual journey! I found great comfort and belief in what I was learning! And, believing from personal experience in the MINDBODY CONNECTION since the '70s, I began to realize that the stress I had lived w/definitely impacted my body in varying ways (from aches and pains and headaches to back dysfunction, to bc...). AND THE GOOD NEWS WAS -- though our thoughts can create such woesome problems, we can choose instead to empower ourselves! We can use our thoughts to create a serene and happy environment -- and -- we can use them to draw our desired outcomes to us. I began living AS IF what I wanted already existed in my life.
Wondering, as you describe, is (I decided) not productive. Unless we consciously choose to alter the causes! So that's how I now live. Using supplements, meditation, guided imagery, mantras, trying to eat making healthy choices and connecting with my Spirit and therefore God... I live grateful and joyful w/ea new day! It's my prescription for Wellness!
I have never said POOR ME. I always felt -- it could have been so much worse. I look around and see the many blessings I have that previously went unseen by me. My life is fuller and richer. And I have grown and become more than I ever dreamed of even aiming for!
And of course, my godsend, Herceptin (and all the surg and tx I have endured), plus the expertise and compassion of my docs and nurses all counter in big time as well. Many ingredients go into this survival thing. That's how I see it.
I have tried to mentor others, giving of my heart and myself and my experience. I have been working for 5 yrs on a book, which is a passion, a delight, a mission, a purpose and very cathartic, reinforcing my bedrock belief system that keeps me buoyed.
Sending loving, healing, happy energy to all my Sisters and all on this board,
Andi 