Dear Alice,
I can only say a few words about your mindset right now. I certainly understand why you think the way you do, but must insist that you turn your sails to meet the wind that has been dealt you. I have been fascinated since childhood, that a sailing ship can actually sail INTO the wind. I find it nothing short of amazing.
Try to look at it this way. You are no good to yourself, your husband, or anyone else, if you are paralyzed by fear of recurrence. Try, if your health permits, to continue on the course that you have set. But remember that your health and treatment must come first at all times. If you can't handle school right now, then take some time off and get better first. Don't plan your life based on hypotheticals; i.e. my cancer might come back. Assume that it will not get in the way. If it does, mount all of your efforts to fight it again. Let it be a detour rather than a dead end. If and when you do become a nurse, you will have an understanding and compassion that few posess.
If you think 47 gives you ants in your pants, wait till you hit 50...haha. I have had many occupations in my life, each changed by the health of a family member. When my Dad became ill, I left my job as a crime scene investigator to be with him. After he passed away, I worked as a private detective. When Mom's health began to fail, I became a home-based stock trader. After she was diagnosed with her breast cancer, I needed more time to run here and there to doctors and treatment, so I began building reproduction antique furniture in a basement woodshop. Some day I'll figure out what I want to do when I grow up...lol. But for now, I try to live in the present, and worry mostly about her treatment. Although I need to plan for the future, there is a one in three chance, I am told, that I will develop genetically influenced pancreatic cancer, which is almost always fatal. But until then, I will be hopefull that I will some day have a "normal and productive" life.
Just keep your head up and keep your eye on the ball. Try to enjoy the rads. They are helping you, and giving you a free tan in the middle of winter at the same time. Well, so much for my "few words" on the subject. I apologize for the sermon. Best of luck to you, and we will all keep you in our prayers.
Sincerely,
Tom
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