[europa]

As many of you know, I have been attempting to get my mojo back. It has not exactly been easy and without major laziness on my part. Almost two years ago I was diagnosed at 37 years of age. I was in a not so great relationship which I ended in the middle of chemo (I don't recommend doing that). After I was done with treatment I felt like my femininity, my sexiness, my mojo disappeared. I couldn't even look at my self naked and even though my boobs had been touched by pretty much every member of the medical faculty in the city, I cringed at the idea of having anyone else see me naked and being touchy feely in a romantic way. Anyway, as some of you have read in my Queen of Side Effects post, my lack of libido lead to my little lady's early retirement. She literally closed her doors and she had to be forced out of retirement (which was quite painful I must add). So, what is a single 38 year old woman to do? Get back on the saddle says everyone. So I did. Or tried. I accepted a date from a very nice guy and went out for the first time in...get ready, 8 years. I haven't been on a first date in 8 bloody years!!! And it was obvious. It would of been tough enough if I was a normal woman that got out of a long relationship, but add cancer to that...forget it, I was a mess. I use to like to show my cleavage, not so much anymore. I use to be flirty...have no clue what that is anymore.
Anyway, the first date was lovely. But he asked me out AGAIN. Crap. I knew the second date would mean, God forbid, a kiss. Crap, crap, crap. I have not kissed a man like THAT in years. So yes, out of desperation I practiced on the back of my hand like a 12 year old. And after dinner he went for it and I braced myself and just kept repeating in my head: keep calm and carry on...keep calm and carry on. And what happened..I started giggling like a pre-teen. And all I could think was: you idiot, you are making a royal ass of yourself. Keep together.
But his hands grabbed my waist and I swear I almost passed out from my rigidity and shyness. Yes, he has asked me out AGAIN. Crap, crap, crap. Eventually, this may lead to...well, you know. The deed. Which will involve him touching my boobs (and not for medical purposes). Has anyone gone through this. Because honestly, I feel so non sexual. And I really like this guy, but I feel so damn awkward. And this is going to sound really weird, but I am praying that if we do end up doing The Deed. I really hope he has a very small manhood. Because I have heard from many ladies on this board that sex hurts if your on Tamoxifen. So please let this guy be small. And to think that over 8 years ago I would pray for the opposite. How times have changed. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

But I am trying to get my mojo back...so it's a step in the right direction. Right?