Dear Kim,
First let me say that I can not think of a more appropriate question for any of us on this site. If we are not wrestling with this beast within the context of who God is and who we are to Him we are hopelessly lost. I hope you don't mind my posting here instead of emailing you. I started to, and then I realized how significant this struggle is to us all and I hope that together we can work it through. It is paramount to each one of us.
God's word has a lot to say about suffering. I am finding myself thankful that I finally understand it's purpose and meaning in the life of a believer. Life had dealt me some pretty severe blows in the past, but they were all things I thought I could "buck up" and deal with in my own strength. Now cancer, that is entirely another story, isn't it? My cancer journey has been about a year and a half long now. The helplessness that consumed me at the time of my diagnosis led to the brokenness God needed from me to teach me so many things - about Himself, about myself, about purpose. I have had to ask the hard questions. Do I believe He is who He says He is? Is He the all knowing, all powerful, merciful, compassionate, loving Father He claims to be?
Are His promises true? Will He cause all things to work together for my good because I love Him and am called according to His purposes? (Romans 8:28). Can nothing seperate me from His love?(Romans 8:29). Will He never leave me or forsake me? Are His plans to give me hope and a future, to prosper me and not harm me? (Jeremiah 29:11). And then I found the answers to all of my questions in the following verse "You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all of your heart, I
will be found by you declares the Lord". (Jeremiah 29:13) I completely agree with KathyH. Although I have called myself a believer for many years, and in fact outwardly did a pretty good job of looking like one, the inward transformation had not come. God was pursuing me, as she said, but nothing ever brought me to the point where He had my complete attention, that is, until now. Until cancer. When I fell face down in front of Him, helpless and frightened to death He said now, come to the well and drink. I had to become an active participant by submitting my will to His and accepting that the "hope and future" He ultimately has in store for each of us who believe is not here. It is so hard for us to reach beyond this temporal state we are in and to see beyond the life we know and love here.
As I have used this time to seek Him with all of my heart through the diligent study of His word and through prayer, real prayer,
talking to my Father who loves me prayer, I have become not only accepting of that fact, but homesick for heaven. I want to be with Jesus. I want to see His face. I want to experience the freedom from suffering that is forever. And while I am still here, each day is a gift to be used to display His glory, as that is why I was created. Only possibility of that is letting Him live through me. Only possibility of that is complete submission to His Will, in complete trust. He
can be trusted. I have found great relief for myself in comforting others who I see suffering as spoken of by Paul in 2 Corinthians 1:3-7. But I can't take away another's suffering, because I see now that it needs to fulfill its purpose in their lives too, to draw them into a real and personal love relationship with Jesus - The kind that surrenders complete trust and kindles the desire to see that trust fulfilled by looking on His face some day (maybe even sooner than later) and not being afraid because His promises are true. The kind that makes everything in this life worth living through because it draws us deeper into a knowledge of Him and allows us to reflect His glory for others to see and perhaps be drawn to Him as well. I heard the question asked recenty, "Shall we have no crowns to cast?" The Lord's deepest desire for each of us is to be transformed into the image of His son and the share in His free gift of eternal life. All else pales in comparison. The hardships and trials we face, even death itself cannot separate us from Him and His love. The can, if we are willing be the very vehicles,
dare I say the only vehicles, through which are hearts can truly be transformed. We are storing up treasures in heaven dear friend. I would urge you to ask God to strengthen you to see this severest of trials in that way.
One last thing....You said no books to read. Only one. His word. Have you ever done a Beth Moore Bible Study? I have devoured them over the past 18 months. I love them. If you don't know of them or how to get one email me at
dcsletten@yahoo.com and I will help you. Email anytime Sister. You are in my prayers from now on. May the presence of our Lord surround you with His peace, love and joy from this moment on. "
And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, shall keep your heart and mind in Christ Jesus. Amen."