Re: Finding Little Comfort in the Statistics of Survival
pink girl: re
My oncologist, your oncologist, Dennis Slamon, Santa Claus, FauxGypsy - no one can tell us if we are going to recur. No one. Stats like 50/50 or 80/20 do not tell us which side we will be in.
I do not make light of anyone's fears. I've been there. I still think that mosquito bites are skin mets. But I've given cancer the finger ... told it to screw off. I will not let fear take over my life. If I recur in 5 years or if I don't recur in 5 years, it doesn't change right NOW.
Every day I see this streetperson guy stumbling down the sidewalk, drunk.
He didn't get cancer, I did. And I don't think this guy is drinking green tea.
I have stopped trying to figure everything out ... I will not drive myself crazy looking for answers that no one has.
Bejuce, if you want to watch your kids grow up, they are growing up right NOW ... we are all doing different things for ourselves ... just do your best.
you are inside my head!!
omg. i just can't believe reading your message how
another person could possibly, without having read my latest blog,
captured so exquisitely, exactly the feelings i have. it is positively
other worldly to read this note of yours. it is exactly the type of language i used on a recent blog post of mine (dont read it cos i am embarrassed of myself in there) about how no guru, no statistical research, no certainty-clinging of any kind is, first of all, correct (every corpse defies the pollyannas; every woman alive and well with HER2 defies the pessimists like me) and secondly, how lonely is our struggle.
i feel lonely when a woman with HER2 or just a nice friend or nice person, corrects my pessimism. I feel lonely when I am 'forced' to be optimistic cos a friend can't bear to lose me so she makes me consider myself 'normal' in lifespan despite the stats; I feel lonely when the opposite situation comes up too.
Hmmmm...maybe i will start a thread called "I feel lonely, as an HER2 woman when..." I get comfort from reading a brief, succinct post such as the one u just posted, and all the posts in this thread, actually, cos they say what I feel.
How wonderful is the invention of the internet. I do not feel alone when I read things like this.
You have hit the nail on the head.
We are forced into a weird, unwilling kind of heroism, in a way, ...considering we have these grim prognoses, yet are still alive.
what was it Van Morrison sang...No guru, no buddha, no teacher..?
__________________
fall 2008: mammo of rt breast worrisome so am asked to redo mammo and have ultrasound of rt breast.I delay it til january 2009 and the results are "no cancer in rt breast. phew."
found plum sized lump in right breast the day before my dad died: April 17th 2011. saw it in mirror, while i was wearing a top, examining my figure after losing 10 lbs on dr. bernstein diet.
diagnosed may 10 2011
mast/lymphectomy: june 7 2011, 5/20 cancerous nodes. stage 3a before radiation oncologist during our first mtg on july 15th says he found cancer on the lymph node of my breast bone. Now stage 3b.
her2+++, EN-, PN-. Rt brst tumors:3 at onset, 4.5 cm was the big one
chemos: 3fec's followed by 3 taxotere, total of 18 wks chemo. sept: halfway thru chemo the mastectomy scar decides to open and ooze pus. (not healed before chemo) eventually with canasten powder sent by friend in ny (illegal in canada) it heals.
radiations:although scheduled to begin 25 january 2012, I am so terrified by it (rads cause other cancers) I don't start til february, miss a bunch, reschedule them all and finally finish 35 rads mid april. reason for 7 extra atop the 28 scheduled is that when i first met my rads oncologist he said he saw a tumor on the lymph node of my breastbone. extra 7 are special kind of beam used for that lymphnode. rads onc tells me nobody ever took so long to do rads so he cannot speak for effectiveness. trials had been done only on consecutive days so......we'll see.....
10 mos of herceptin started 6 wks into chemo. canadian onc says 10 mos is just as effective as the full yr recommended by dr. slamon......so we'll see..completed july 2012.
Sept 18 2012: reconstruction and 3 drains. fails. i wear antibiotic pouch on my job for two months and have 60 consecutive days visiting a nursing centre where they apply burn victims' silver paper and clean the oozing infection daily. silicone leaks out daily. plastic surgeon in caribbean. emergency dept wont remove "his" work. He finally appears and orders me in into an emergency removal of implant. I make him promise no drains and I get my way. No infection as a result. Chest looks like a map of Brazil. Had a perfectly good left breast on Sept 17th but surgeon wanted to "save another woman an operation" ? so he had crashed two operations together on my left breast, foregoing the intermediary operation where you install an expander. the first surgeon a year earlier had flat out refused to waste five hours on his feet taking both boobs. flat out refusal. between the canadian health system saving money and both these asses, I got screwed. who knows when i can next get enough time off work (i work for myself and have no substitute when my husband is on contract) to get boobs again. arrrgh.
I have a blog where I document this trip and vent.
www.nora'scancerblog.blogspot.com . I stopped the blog before radiation. I think the steroids made me more angry and depressed and i just hated reading it anymore
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