[TiffanyS]

Hello Colleen,

I understand where you are coming from, as I’ve been thinking the same thing myself lately. I was diagnosed with HER2 positive breast cancer in January, at the age of 41, and had a full mastectomy in February along with 14 lymph nodes removed (eight has cancer in them). I started Docetaxel, Carboplatin, and Herceptin in March, and radiation at the end of July. I also started taking the drug tamoxifen in mid-July. Everything was going well until a week before I was supposed to finish radiation. At that time, we noticed that the scab over my scar tissue had come off, and the doctor decided to biopsy the area. It turns out that there were still cancer cells there. I went back to see my surgeon, who told me the growth was left-over from my first surgery, and that he could remove it and all would be fine. In the meantime, my oncologist sent me for tests in order to “re-stage” me. The ultra-sound and bone scan were clear, and the breast MRI showed three small masses at my surgery site, but nothing in the lymph nodes. We were all happy with these results, and I was getting ready to have surgery until we got the results of my CT scan. It turns out that there are new spots on my lungs and a lymph node in my centre chest that is quite large. Given these new results, I will no longer be having surgery, and will be starting TDM1 next Tuesday, which I will be taking every three weeks for an indefinite period of time. My oncologist is also going to try and get me into some clinical trials. She told me that I am a rarity, and that she’s never known anyone who has gone though the treatment I’ve gone through, and still have cancer. She says that my breast cancer is the most aggressive cancer she’s ever seen, and she is looking into new, aggressive treatments for me. This does not leave me feeling very optimistic! I have been holding up as best I can, however, I have felt nauseous since I got the news, and I don’t have much of an appetite. Up until now, I have been fairly confident that I would beat this cancer, but that is no longer the case. Right now, my biggest fear is that my oncologist is going to tell me that I have six months to a year to live, even with the new medication, and that’s not what I want to hear at the age of 41! So, while I’m trying very hard to stay positive, I’m really having a hard time doing so, and I keep wondering if it’s worth putting my family and friends through so much stress just to extend my life by a year or two. In fact, I just got off the phone with my seven year old niece who told me that she’s sorry that I’m going to die, and that she will keep me in her heart forever, and she didn’t want to get off the phone with me. I think she’s scared it might be the last time she gets to talk to me. I tried to stay positive for her, but it breaks my heart to hear her say that. My aunt died of ovarian cancer six years ago after a six year battle, and I remember the stress my family was under at that time. Everyone’s life was on hold, as she would be good one day, and sick the next. No one knew what to expect. I really don’t want to put my family though that again. I also can’t help but wonder how anyone can get through their days, trying to live life to the fullest, knowing that there may not be many days left. So, like you, I am left wondering “what’s the point”. I’m sure my family would feel differently than I do, but that’s how I am feeling right now.