[michka]

Hi Julie! You did well to tell us how you feel. Yes, I feel like giving up sometimes and I figure many of us do BUT when this happens I first ask myself if I really want to die or if I am just tired. So sometimes I cry and I feel better after or sometimes I listen to music or go outside to look at the trees, the flowers and the sky and the bad moment passes.
Why are you thinking of the worst? How often do you have appointments and tests? Maybe you have too many. You can skip the next ones. What meds are you taking? Some can really make us depressed. Do you work? Do you like your job? Did you leave on vacations this year even for a few days to change environment?
I am asking all these questions to better understand.
You are still far from facing the inevitable so try to get rid of what you do not want to do in your life and take care of yourself by doing new things. i.e. joining a Gym, taking care of other people, learning to garden, to cook, to dance, traveling , going back to school, starting to paint, to sculpt. Did you ever visit Paris? London? Venice? Go to Hawai? If this is too far or too expensive, find a place in the US you always wanted to visit, go with a group.... whatever... anything new that will make you meet new people.
On this forum you see bad cases but I know so many women since 2006 who never turned stage 4 although they had large tumors at dx . They just live on. We also know of stage 4s who have been here for years and who also live on.
You cannot erase the fact that you had cancer but you can maybe change the frequency of your appointments and look at this forum less often. I would not recommend you stop all follow up but you can certainly take a break . You seem to need it. And on this forum, we can understand that. Hugs!