[Andrea Barnett Budin]

This is dedicated to the HUSBANDS, SONS and DAUGHTERS and SIBLINGS OF BREAST CANCER WARRIORS!

A new friend recently expressed his fear about his mom w/BC 5 yrs ago, HER2+ w/3 nodes involved. He says every single day when he wakes up he is scared about the cancer coming back. I remember, back in '95 when I was first diagnosed, waking each morning, wondering what time it was, did I have any places I needed to be, etc. Then -- BAM! I remembered. I have cancer. And then, I'd think how scary that was, and start letting my mind go wild w/all sorts of imaginings. THEN, I learned to stop doing that. Yes, you have to feel your emotions, even the negative ones, but you must make a conscious effort to replace them w/ thoughts like I HAVE THE POWER TO HEAL MYSELF. I HAVE THE POWER TO NOT BE VICTIMIZED BY MY THOUGHTS. I chose NOT to be haunted and taunted by horrid ideas and visions.

But what I realized when my friend told me about his mom and his being scared all the time, I also remembered thinking, back in '95, that it actually seemed easier to be me, the patient, than to be my husband. If you are the one watching someone you love go through cancer, surgery, chemo, the side effects, the tests and scans and waiting for the results -- you have a great burden that must be recognized! Paul told me that if he could he would take the chemo for me. I honestly believed him. The look of anguish on his face, the look of helplessness was real. He was feeling tormented, vulnerable and scared to death.

Now, I want to tell you something weird. I had learned to stay far from fear, to surround myself, and fill myself up w/, LOVE, compassion, kindness, caring, understanding, forgiveness, awe and humble gratitude. I KNEW that all these feelings were healing (versus feeling fearful, angry, remorseful, worried, anxious and such). I remembered it all from '95 to '98, when the cancer spread to my liver. It took me a bit of time and help to get back on track, but I did it! But, when I was the one watching everything got turned upside down, and I lost the lesson.

Paul and I are dog lovers. We rescued 2 4 mnth old Maltese boys. They were so sick and frightened. We nurtured them. Then Chase, the slightly bigger one, got mange. I had heard of such a thing, but had no idea what it entailed. He looked like a burn victim. He lost all the hair on his face, neck and down his chest. It was scarlet red, raw skin, flaming. It was obviously very painful and itched like mad. 2 vets later, we at least had a diagnosis. Dogs get this illness from their mothers. Mites overtake their immune system, and leave them too weak to walk. He wouldn't eat. Stayed far back in the open wicker house we had by our living room and front door. He wouldn't even drink water. I think he just wanted to die. I was so sad for him. Everytime I looked at him I thought, Oh my God. You're going to die. Look at you. You look horrible, you poor thing. And I'd do my best to coax him out and hold him and pet him. He was flagging, obviously. Then, I reached for the book I'd left on my night stand that the rescue lady had given me, with a tag re nutrition. I wasn't interested. But, in my desperation, I opened the book at random to a page 1/4 in. It was the start of a chapter called THE SPIRITUAL REALM. I had goosebumps. This was MY territory. The Cornell vet had practiced conventional med for 10 yrs and had ventured into HOLISTIC vet med. I read the chapter eagerly and quickly. I was doing everything wrong. THEN, after reading, I would look at Chase and think and say aloud YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. I SEE YOUR SPIRIT AND IT IS GLOWING. I LOVE YOU. AND I'M SENDING OUT POSITIVE ENERGY ON YOUR BEHALF INTO THE UNIVERSE. I am going to stop thinking Oh my God, he could die. I started thinking and saying You are going to be fine. I promise. I'd here for you. And you're going to be all right. JUST LIKE ME! From that moment on, I swear to you, Chase started to walk a little perkier. He took food and water. He played w/his brother, Scamper. And when we went back to the vet, he commented how surprised he was. Why?, my husband asked. Well, when you get a dog that's that sick, you usually don't see them come out of it. (I had purchased to immune boosting vitamins the Cornell vet had mentioned. I had gone to an oncological nutritionist for myself, after all, and take many immune boosting vitamins.) Chase and Scampi are now 4 yrs old. I learned, not only do we have the power to heal OURSELVES, but we can transfer that power to others we love. In fact -- that is what we OWE to those we love. Sending out scary thoughts and vibes is NOT helpful -- to the ones we're worried about OR to ourselves. Negativity corrodes your insides. It is toxic waste, and can actually chemically alter your body and hamper your body's natural ability to stay well and healthy.

I just thought I had to reach out and share this info. It was such a remarkable lesson RE-LEARNED, after I thought I had that one down pat. So think beautiful thoughts of those you love. Release all the scary stuff, because you have to vent, but learn to replace those fears with LOVE. When love fills your heart and your mind, there is no room for fear! HONEST!

With love,
ANDI