HER2 Support Group Forums - View Single Post - how do you deal with friends who aviod you?

Debbie L. · 02-16-2012, 10:49 AM

Dear VG:

I don't have answers for you but I can tell you that all of this is very normal. First of all, you're in that extra-vulnerable time that happens to most of us, as treatment ends and the body begins to heal. It seems like the things that have been shoved into "hold" mode, as we used everything we had to get thru treatment -- those fears and emotions and doubts and vulnerability can see it's their time to emerge, that it's time for us to deal with them -- and all at once like that, it can hit us hard. I don't think there's a magic way to get thru except just to keep slugging on and know it will improve eventually, but it can help to know that it's normal and common, and that many others have had the same issues.

As for friends, as chemteach said so well, people are people, and they are scared, even terrified, of cancer. I think it's in part that our society is so death-phobic. Even though most people do know that everyone with cancer does not die -- there's still tremendous fear around cancer. So for those who've dropped off the radar, you have several options. You can write them off as not-really-your-friends, and move on. Or you can reserve judgment and leave room to let them back in, if they eventually get their act together and want to be close again. That's a personal decision. But I have heard lots of women say (later on) that their cancer diagnosis actually strengthened their network of friends, because it weeded out the ones who were not real friends, while deepening other friendships and opening opportunities for special new friendships.

About the appearance of the chest -- I assure you that although to you right now, your appearance feels extremely weird and obvious -- no one else is noticing! Again, there is no magic answer that will fix this for you instantly, but again -- time (and some more physical healing) will fix it. Eventually you will come to accept that what's on your chest is just you. You may not be thrilled with it (although we hope you are), but regardless, it will stop feeling so obvious to you. You will stop being constantly aware of how you think it looks. Honest!

This is a time to be oh-so-gentle with yourself. And as patient as you can be. This all takes time (alas). Those around you may want you to begin moving on, but we know that it takes time for that to happen, and if you need to hear, again, that you are totally normal and your feelings are common and understood by all of us here -- come back and talk about it some more. I think that face-to-face breast cancer friends are great, but in today's connected world -- they are not essential. If you have an online support system who understand and nod heads when reading what you're expressing -- you'll be much more able to let those friends be more distant, and those family members be less understanding (than they were during the acute phase of treatment). While you're being gentle with yourself, try to spread some of that around for the other people in your life, too, even the ones that are hurting you right now. Their bad behavior is not directed at YOU, it comes from their fear. Which doesn't necessarily make it less hurtful to you right now, I know. Like I said -- no answers, but lots of understanding.

Keep talking, let us know what you think about what we've said, okay?

Love,
Debbie Laxague
PS: If you can do without the support, the ultra-lightweight "barely there" types of seamless bras are the most comfortable if you're still healing.

02-16-2012, 10:49 AM	#4
Debbie L. Senior Member Join Date: Jul 2006 Posts: 463	Re: how do you deal with friends who aviod you? Dear VG: I don't have answers for you but I can tell you that all of this is very normal. First of all, you're in that extra-vulnerable time that happens to most of us, as treatment ends and the body begins to heal. It seems like the things that have been shoved into "hold" mode, as we used everything we had to get thru treatment -- those fears and emotions and doubts and vulnerability can see it's their time to emerge, that it's time for us to deal with them -- and all at once like that, it can hit us hard. I don't think there's a magic way to get thru except just to keep slugging on and know it will improve eventually, but it can help to know that it's normal and common, and that many others have had the same issues. As for friends, as chemteach said so well, people are people, and they are scared, even terrified, of cancer. I think it's in part that our society is so death-phobic. Even though most people do know that everyone with cancer does not die -- there's still tremendous fear around cancer. So for those who've dropped off the radar, you have several options. You can write them off as not-really-your-friends, and move on. Or you can reserve judgment and leave room to let them back in, if they eventually get their act together and want to be close again. That's a personal decision. But I have heard lots of women say (later on) that their cancer diagnosis actually strengthened their network of friends, because it weeded out the ones who were not real friends, while deepening other friendships and opening opportunities for special new friendships. About the appearance of the chest -- I assure you that although to you right now, your appearance feels extremely weird and obvious -- no one else is noticing! Again, there is no magic answer that will fix this for you instantly, but again -- time (and some more physical healing) will fix it. Eventually you will come to accept that what's on your chest is just you. You may not be thrilled with it (although we hope you are), but regardless, it will stop feeling so obvious to you. You will stop being constantly aware of how you think it looks. Honest! This is a time to be oh-so-gentle with yourself. And as patient as you can be. This all takes time (alas). Those around you may want you to begin moving on, but we know that it takes time for that to happen, and if you need to hear, again, that you are totally normal and your feelings are common and understood by all of us here -- come back and talk about it some more. I think that face-to-face breast cancer friends are great, but in today's connected world -- they are not essential. If you have an online support system who understand and nod heads when reading what you're expressing -- you'll be much more able to let those friends be more distant, and those family members be less understanding (than they were during the acute phase of treatment). While you're being gentle with yourself, try to spread some of that around for the other people in your life, too, even the ones that are hurting you right now. Their bad behavior is not directed at YOU, it comes from their fear. Which doesn't necessarily make it less hurtful to you right now, I know. Like I said -- no answers, but lots of understanding. Keep talking, let us know what you think about what we've said, okay? Love, Debbie Laxague PS: If you can do without the support, the ultra-lightweight "barely there" types of seamless bras are the most comfortable if you're still healing.