[Believe51]

When Ed and I speak of the tree that is planted near our graves, my Mother-in-Law thinks we are morbid. So we have learned not to speak of such things around her, she cannot handle anything of the sort. We are so proud of the idea that we have the plot and tree all planned to specs. It hurts, yes it does, to have to make these plans with my favorite human being. But it did take time to get to the tree decision, all in time, all with baby steps. Believe me, getting to this decision took time.

Athough there are times I know I cannot stand another word, I listen and plan, but sometimes enough is enough just for the moment. It is part of his wishes to make sure things are settled in case that time comes. Although it pains me badly, I trudge forward until I need to stop and focus on other things.

I have found it helpful to ingest what is in front of me in bite-sized pieces. Sometimes he knows when enough is enough and leaves it to rest for a while. Planning for ones loss is the worst conversations I have ever discussed, yet inevitable even when cancer is not involved.

I can see the joy is his eyes when something else is planned, he is relieved and content. I, however, am sometimes left feeling alone already. Pain, hurt, feelings of loss that has not happened yet overwhelm me. The world seems to stop for a moment as I try to face reality....just until I catch up.

Ed and I do not have any small children at home, only a 4 yr old granddaughter to consider, big difference. She knows he is sick somehow but we do leave her in the dark and can keep her out of these conversations. I cannot even imagine how it must be to discuss children & affairs of such; my heart goes out to you for I can barely focus on Ed and myself during these emotional discussions.

As a caregiver who wants to provide the best closure for my husband, it is not his job to know when I have had enough. I must speak what I need too and he must respect those wishes. Small bite-sized pieces, little by little may help him swallow what is being worked on. Maybe focusing on one topic at a time would help, ex: focusing on a cemetary & burial plot. Next week may be the perfect time to talk about the tree and stone. Although part of the same topic, small pieces....easier to swallow. Another thing maybe you could mention is the fact that these things need to be planned for he could be the one hit by the bus. Do not, however, knock it off. Take your time and plan what needs to be done. With time and patience, hubby may feel the same way as we do about the tree. Give him time too and he will catch up, Tonya. Let him ingest what is being fed to him, digest it, move on to other topics.

Good luck with your planning and please follow up on this topic. It is healthy for me to learn about how the patient feels about this subject since I already know how I feel. Lots of love>>Believe51