[NEDenise]

Friends...
I never should have tempted the fates by re-claiming the NED part of my name!

For the past week, my balance has been deteriorating.
Then my trembling hand became a shaking arm.

Next, about 3 days ago, I noticed that sometimes the words I was trying to say didn't come out formed quite right. Only a few times a day at first... now we're up to 5 or 6 times a day.

But the weird symptom that scared me into calling my doc was a very disturbing vision "incident" in the middle of the night last night. I was clearly seeing an object that was not really there, flying toward me... and it happened every time I closed my eyes to go back to sleep, then opened them again. It wasn't a pink elephant or anything... just a greyish crescent shape... but scary just the same.

So... today when I saw the doc and described my symptoms and the increased dex dose...

they ordered a brain MRI stat, and held off on my Avastin infusion. Unfortunately, the special kind of MRI I get can only be done on one of the 20 or 30 MRI machines at HUP... and since it was already late afternoon, that machine was shut down for the day. So I go tomorrow instead.

Those of you who know me well, know that I'll be requesting a disk so I can see it for myself... but the docs are already planning who they can get to read it stat, in case it shows something "tragic" that has to be treated immediately.

So far... the likely suspects in this assault on my brain are...
~a new lesion... which would mean Lapatnib (Tykerb) had stopped working

~increased swelling around the area of necrosis...
which would mean that Avastin had stopped working

~or the least likely... there's been a very minor bleed... which seems, to my way of thinking, to be a very bad sign of things to come

I'm actually thinking the new lesion option might be the one I'm hoping for...
it would mean another GammaKnife zap, but...
been there/done that and it really wasn't bad.

At any rate my friends...
medicine doesn't seem to be doing the trick...
So please, more than ever, I'm asking for prayers, good juju, healing light, Reiki... whatever you believe.

I admit freely that I'm scared. I'm glad the scan is tomorrow, knowing is always better than not knowing... I think.

What also has me frustrated, and feeling down is...
After the last MRI was so great, I booked our Christmas vacation to Hawaii!
I've spoiled each of the last 3 family vacations by being sick...
Radiation burns and fatigue... herniated disk... confined to a wheelchair...
I thought for sure with only 2 1/2 months to go, and feeling pretty well,
that I simply couldn't get sick enough, fast enough to ruin this one. Silly me!!
Ted and the boys are sooooo excited... I hope this is something scary that can be treated and managed before it wrecks the trip... or worse, kills me and wrecks everything.

Thanks for letting me vent all that. You guys are my anchor in the storm.
With love...
Denise
~who really, really hates cancer tonight!