[sarah]

Stephanie, Jen, Karen, others,
It's so very hard to watch a loved one suffer. My mother was ill and in and out of hospitals for the last 4 plus years of her life. She had Apalstic anemia. I was 32 yrs old when she died, my father died quickly of a heart attack the year before so I didn't see him suffer but I did watch my sweet Mama. I miss her all the time. Soon after she died I went to a screening of the movie Terms of Endearment. I cried silently through it, I had been the Shirley MacClaine character, my Mama had been Debra Winger. I was angry, I was sad, I went through so many emotions during her illness. Like you, I fought for her. I still feel the pain. I slept on her hospital bed the last month, going home in the morning to shower and make phone calls.
I can't tell you how many times I was called over those years and told to come to the hospital that she was dying - sometimes that required a 5 hour plane flight. I'd arrive and she was fine and happy and surprised to see me so know that doctors aren't always right and that patients are stronger than we think.
Also like Stephanie, I received what I believed was a death sentence (invasive cancer recurrence) but here I am 8 years later. things can turn around.
Jen, you must remember to take care of yourself. Your mother would tell you that also.
I appreciated the time I had with mine to talk to her about how much I loved her and also to let her know I would be ok. I hope you have a good support group to help support you. Karen's right, helping others, helps also but we can't always save everyone we want to. In my local cancer support group, we have lost 3 young women (one aged 38) who were such lovely, caring people, it's been a hard year. We're a small group.
Your mom is very special and I know how much she has helped others. Why not try the cannabis and see if it helps at least with the pain.
hugs and love
sarah