[Mtngrl]

Oh my goodness. You've had so many losses and trials! I'm so sorry you're going through this.

I haven't had divorce, cancer, and chemo together, but I have been through two divorces, two cancers, and 4 1/2 years of cancer treatment. The first divorce was after 23 years of marriage and five kids. Although I initiated it, it was not the outcome I wanted. I wanted us to transform the relationship. That choice was not available to me.

As I was going through the first divorce a friend recommended two little books that were both extremely helpful to me. At the time I found it very difficult to concentrate or take in complex ideas, and both books are deceptively simple. One is out of print, but worth hunting down. It's called How to Survive the Loss of a Love. The other book is called The Four Agreements. They are both written in short, easy-to-take-in segments, and both offer specific ideas about what I could do to help myself.

The second divorce was totally unexpected and incredibly painful. I was devastated. A friend brought over a book called Wherever You Go, There You Are. It's about mindfulness meditation. I learned to put myself back in the Now whenever my brain started running away with catastrophes. I was able to get back to sleep when I woke up in a panic at 3 in the morning.

I also did lots of prayer, some exercise, psychotherapy, and massage. My masseuse was a good friend. Our chats while she massaged me were at least as helpful as my sessions with my (wonderful) therapist. Oh, and since both husbands were alcoholics (one "wet" and one "dry") I went to Al-Anon and got a wonderful sponsor and worked the "Steps" with her.

My breast cancer diagnosis felt similar to divorce, only this time it was my body that was betraying me and seemed to have abandoned me. A friend who had been through breast cancer recommended I do guided imagery, and told me the name of the person whose work she liked. My friend also told me the same person offers guided imagery for healing from trauma. I got that one too. My friend had said it's very intense. I agreed, and I only did it a couple of times. But last year I got back into therapy, and decided to revisit the trauma imagery and affirmations. As promised on the tape, over time the images and "story" seem to have transformed for the better. I no longer feel abandoned. The last affirmation on all the products is "More and more, I know that I am in the hands of God, and I am perfectly, utterly safe."

What all these experiences have in common is that wise, loving companions saw my pain and suffering and offered concrete, appropriate assistance. What changed about me between the two divorces (seven years apart) is I became less compulsively self-reliant and more willing/able to ask for and accept help. Now I spend a lot less time and energy worrying about what other people think of me or what their motives are. I try not to make assumptions. I have learned to interrupt my own toxic and destructive self-talk with meditation or affirmations. The only person who is guaranteed to be with me until my last breath is myself. I am learning to be more kind, loving, and forgiving towards myself.

Which brings me to the best advice I got when my cancer was diagnosed. A friend who had been through two primary breast cancers fifteen years apart said, "Don't worry about anything until you have to."

I'm sorry you're in such pain. I pray that wise, kind, loving companions appear to show you how to heal yourself, and that, with their loving support and help, you find your inner strength and resilience and you learn what it is you need to know.

Peace,
Amy