[Believe51]

I was getting upset that we did not receive a return call from GammaMan's office with the results....now I know why.

He had to collect his bearings before telling me that Ed had "Numerous brain mets, too many to count or to have the Gamma Knife as an option..."

Why did this news take me for a loop? I am blown away into the darkness again and cannot digest this all right now. I am breathing but I am numb. The GammaMan already contacted the OncoMan. I asked about Whole Brain Radiation being done again. He has heard of instances but will be talking with Ed's Radiation team to consult this possibility.

In the meantime I have contacted my Nurse Advocate and asked for a phone call tonight from OncoMan. He will probally call about 8 or 9 p.m. and we will go over this situation as a whole. I want to go over my 'Last Options' folder with him and discuss where do we go from here.

Monday holds a day for calling Dana Farber and exploring in depth the other hospitals. Any suggestions or guidance you can give us right now will help. I feel lost and tired and downright numb. I know what this may all be but I refuse to give up. I do believe in miracles but I feel we have been granted so many thus far and am losing faith that there will be any more.

This news is fresh so I write in the state of mind I am in. I remind you that I am breathing and may have to take something so I can relax. My thoughts are racing through my mind and I cannot stop them. Of course I know you will pray for us and I thank you for loving us. I feel that in the entire journey I need you all the most right now and I am so blessed that you will walk besides us through this.

I am scared to death this time. You know I sit here and I give and get support.....I constantly research....I educate myself in how a gene works......but I do not know how to do the rest. I do not know how to do this, no one can prepare you for that.

Oh yeah, and this is for you cancer one more time; you are not getting it! It is The Mighty Oak and you now, head to head! Do not think he will not grab you by the throat and stare you in the eyes. He will not go down without a hell of a fight and will spend his last breathe telling you goodbye. We thought you would have gotten that by now so I guess you are not as smart as I thought. He is prepared to fight for every moment and no matter what the outcome, he will always come out the Winner!

I am lighting a candle for my boy who in his calm and journeyed voice tells me "one moment at a time, Marie." He has listened to the options I can supply right now and knows of the calls completed. I love this brave man who still continues to smile and not complain. God, how did I get so lucky?>>Marie

PS: The most ironic thing of it all is that.......I did not even think this would happen to him....Duhhh! Where was I living???