[Andrea Barnett Budin]

Dear Anda Moo,

I am truly sorry you had a horrible weekend -- pain, feeling terribly sick and lots of coughing. I have known too many days in my life like that.

Still, I did not feel that my "reality...(as) seeing this disease progress despite my efforts and those of my team".

I believe it precisely that thinking that backfires on you, A. DELAY IS NOT DENIAL. You are in a process. As I saw it, the chemotherapy was not a poison I had to take, it was my lifeline, pulling me through rough waters.

I felt, and still feel, my Spirit was and is helping me keep my head above water. I am never alone. My Spirit walks with me. Loves and nurtures me. Guides and protects me. Wants what I want and far more.

I trust my Spirit implicitly, beyond all reason.

Your will to succeed and live is more than enough to get you to your goal. You must BELIEVE in the power of your thoughts. Their energy is sensed and responded to, IN KIND, by the Universe itself.

And, your body hears everything EVERYTHING you think, say or whisper. Your body's job is to carry out your commands. Your commands are EVERYTHING you think, say or whisper.

So as you wonder what it is you are doing wrong, as you doubt and worry that your feelings of ill health and pain are signs that you are losing your battle, your body is giving up it's fight! The pain is NOT a signal that you are failing!!!

The pain and sickness are a part of the process you are going through, as the chemotherapy is killing the cancer... The pain and sickness are a momentary reality you must forge through with strength, courage, determination, certainty, belief, LOVE and faith!

This is how I got through the hard times. At THE hardest time of my life, in Dec of '98 4 mnths beyond my discovery of my recurrence, 3 mnths into Taxotere (the freight train drug) and 1 mnth into Herceptin, after battling Shingles and pushing to get through that horrendous pain b/c they wouldn't give me chemo while I had it (and if I didn't have chemo, I knew I would surely die) -- with fluid around my lungs and fluid around my heart, short of breath, unable to find the energy to speak above a whisper, barely able to put one foot in front of the other and feeling defeated -- I found my Soul. I was reading Iyanla Vanzant's ONE DAY MY SOUL JUST OPENED UP. Each short chapter left several blank pages for the reader to journal.

Midst the many hours I spent with diarrhea, chained to the toilet where I kept books and paper and pen, this is what came from my heart... It is my PRAYER FOR SURVIVAL... I offer it to you, A Moo, praying it will lift you up...

PRAYER FOR SURVIVAL

I AM WOUNDED, BUT I WILL SURVIVE. I AM DEEP IN THE WOODS, BUT I AM NOT LOST. MY BODY ACHES WITH THE DEATH OF MY CANCER CELLS, BUT I AM STRONG, BRAVE AND DETERMINED. THE STORM WILL NOT TOUCH MY CORE. I WILL NOT LET IT! MY ESSENCE IS CALM AND POISED. MY WILL IS GREAT AND SHALL TRIUMPH. I WILL BE STEADFAST. THE BEST IS YET TO COME.

DELAY IS NOT DENIAL. THOUGH MY DESIRED RESULTS ARE NOT NOW AT HAND, THAT DOES NOT MEAN I HAVE FAILED. I WILL NOT BE DEFEATED IN THIS STRUGGLE. THE TANGIBLE EVIDENCE OF MY EFFORTS LIES BEFORE ME. MY INNER “KNOWING” TRUSTS THAT THIS IS SO. IT WILL BE. AS I EXPECT THE BEST, SO IT WILL COME. IT IS A UNIVERSAL LAW.

WHEN A GUSTY WIND BLOWS THROUGH MY LIFE, I WILL RETREAT TO MY CORE! I WILL NOT BREAK. MY SPIRIT WILL NOT BE BROKEN. THE CANCER IN MY BODY CANNOT TOUCH MY SOUL! I AM DILIGENTLY STANDING GUARD.

I WILL NOT MISTAKE WHAT I KNOW FOR ALL THERE IS. I AM NOT IN COMPLETE CONTROL, AND THAT IS OKAY. WHAT I CAN CONTROL ARE MY THOUGHTS AND HOW I WILL VIEW AND FACE THIS BITTER LOT. WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO ME DOES “NOT” DEFINE ME. IT IS HOW I RESPOND THAT WILL TELL WHO I TRULY AM. I AM A POSITIVE ENTITY. I WILL NOT ALTER MY BELIEF SYSTEM. I AM STRONG, BRAVE AND DETERMINED. I WILL SHOW OTHERS THE WAY. I WILL TEACH MY CHILDREN TO FACE ALL ADVERSITY WITH GRACE AND COURAGE. I WILL DO IT FOR MYSELF AND FOR THEM. THIS IS A CHOICE I CAN MAKE. THIS IS THE CHOICE I MUST MAKE. I WILL LEAD THE WAY, DIRECT MY STEPS, MY MANNER AND MY LIFE.

WHEN I AM GRIPPED BY THE SORROW OF NOT BEING HERE ON EARTH WITH MY FAMILY, I MUST ERASE THAT NEGATIVITY. WHEN I CAN ONLY THINK HOW SAD IT WILL BE NOT TO BE HERE WITH THOSE I LOVE, I MUST REPLACE THOSE IMAGES WITH JOY-FILLED ONES. I VIVIDLY SEE MYSELF DANCING, SMILING AND LAUGHING JOYOUSLY AT MY TWO YEAR OLD GRANDDAUGHTER’S WEDDING! I WILL TAKE ALL MY DREADFUL THOUGHTS AND FEARS AND TOSS THEM TO THE WINDS.

CANCER IS NOT THE ENEMY. “FEAR” IS MY GREATEST FOE! THE RAVAGING EFFECTS OF CHEMOTHERAPY ARE NOT MY ENEMY. THE CHEMICAL DRUGS ARE MY LIFELINE PULLING ME THROUGH THE ROUGH WATERS. I WILL NOT DROWN. I WILL KEEP MY HEAD HIGH. I WILL KNOW AND ENRICH MY GRANDCHILDREN.

I HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR, TO BE GRATEFUL FOR. I AM TRULY BLESSED. I AM SO LUCKY. I CAN WALK AND TALK. I CAN FEED AND BATHE MYSELF. I CAN THINK. THESE SIMPLE GIFTS BRING ENORMOUS QUALITY TO MY LIFE AND JOY TO MY WORLD. I MUST SEE THE SUBLIME IN THE ORDINARY ALL AROUND ME. AS I SEE THE RADIANCE OF LIFE, THE DARKNESS WITHIN DISSOLVES.

WHAT ONE MAN HAS DONE, ANOTHER CAN DO. I CAN DO THIS! IT HAS BEEN DONE BY SOME. IT IS POSSIBLE. I WILL RELAX, BE STILL FROM DEEP WITHIN, THROUGHOUT MY ENTIRE BEING. THE QUIET MIND IS OPEN TO WISDOM AND TRUTH. I WILL TAKE A LONG, DEEP BREATH, HOLD IT, AND SLOWLY LET IT GO. AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN. PEACE WILL OVERCOME ME. I WILL QUIETLY VISUALIZE. THE POTENCY OF MY IMAGERY WILL TURN MY HOPES INTO REALITY. MY THOUGHTS HAVE THE POWER TO CREATE MY DESIRED DESTINY. PERSISTENCE IS MY MANTRA. I WILL SURVIVE. FOCUS. ENDURE!

I AM IN A PROCESS OF SPIRITUAL UNFOLDING. I MUST REMEMBER, WHEN ALL IS CALM, WE STAGNATE. I AM BECOMING MORE THAN I WAS, AND FOR THIS I AM GRATEFUL. THOUGH THIS WINDSTORM IS THE GREATEST CHALLENGE OF MY LIFE, I WILL STARE IT DOWN. I WILL DO MY VERY BEST. I WILL NOT GIVE IN, NEVER GIVE UP. MY HEART “KNOWS” THE TRUTH OF MY FAITH AND IT WILL GUIDE ME THROUGH. I AM NOT BEING TESTED; I AM BEING FORTIFIED. THERE ARE GREAT LESSONS TO BE LEARNED. I MUST NOT LET MY ATTENTION BE DIVERTED.

I MUST BE STRONG FOR THOSE WHO WILL COME AFTER ME AND WITH ME. I WILL MOVE AHEAD WITH MY HEART THOUGH MY HEAD SAYS IT CANNOT BE DONE. I AM HEALING BECAUSE I HAVE CHOSEN TO HEAL. LOVE FILLS MY SOUL. THE MORE I GIVE, THE MORE COMES BACK TO ME. THE POWER TO HEAL LIVES WITHIN ME. I MUST CHOOSE TO TAP INTO IT, NOT TO IGNORE ITS AWESOME FORCE, TO CONTINUALLY CALL UPON IT, TO FIGHT ON, EVERY HOUR OF EVERY DAY. I MUST REMAIN OPEN TO MIRACLES. THEY ARE THERE FOR THE ASKING!

EVERY THOUGHT IS A PRAYER. EVERY PRAYER IS A POTENTIAL MIRACLE.

I WILL BECOME A MIRACLE …… THIS I KNOW!

~ December 1998 ANDREA BARNETT BUDIN




With Love and Light,
Andi