[v-ness]

hey, you want to hear stupid? i quit smoking many years ago and during that time i ran the boston marathon for the jimmy fund two times, back when my husband and i were perfectly healthy (an officemate's little boy had a brain tumor, so we were raising money for dana farber). so, i had about a decade of no smoking under my belt when my father died suddenly of a stroke. i bummed a cig off my brother's wife in the garage to cope with the stress that night as the funeral home fetched pop's body. a couple months later i bought a pack. it lasted 2 weeks. then i bought another. and another. in november the same year my husband was diagnosed with Stage 4 esophageal cancer. you'd think that would make me quit smoking, right? think again. i smoked even more because i was so stressed out. boy, was he mad when he found out. he didn't know i was smoking before then because i did it secretly and since he was a smoker, he couldn't smell it. he only figured it out when he got diagnosed and quit. bob died only 10 weeks after diagnosis and still i smoked. i tried quitting time and time again and failed for the past couple years since his death. finally, for some reason, i just quit cold turkey on may 16th this year. i was then rewarded with breast cancer (it wasn't there in my mammo in march). somehow, though, despite this MAJOR stress, i haven't picked up another cig, nor have i wanted to *except* for the first 20 minutes after the surgeon said "you have cancer". no idea why the desire for cigs is gone, but sure am glad. anyway, my point is that it's easy to fall back into bad habits, even after you've been rewarded for having good ones (like i was for being able to run a marathon after quitting cigs). i am sure i will have to remain on guard about ever falling back into the cigarette trap again for the rest of my life, particularly now that i have cancer.

at least i didn't start drinking. i quit that in 1989 and never looked back.

even when i didn't smoke, though, i had plenty of bad habits. i drank diet soda all the time, i used Sweet N Lo, hotdogs were my #1 favorite food. since i've had BC i've revamped my diet. it's easy right now because cancer is right in my face. but i suspect that down the line i might start thinking again that hey, i'd love me some hot dogs and processed deli food. mm mmmmm. and so on and so on. i am sure it's easier to "be good" when you are in the thick of things. then easier to fall off the proverbial wagon when you aren't in Fight or Flight mode.

i guess you are going to have to find and harness your inner Quitter again because you know you want to keep cancer at bay forever more. it's not easy, and i don't know what your particular demon is, but i've overcome drinking and smoking (knock wood) and if i can do it, anyone can. good luck to you. valerie