[mmoons]

Hi Friends,

I am in such a lonely place. I know you all will understand, having probably been here or are here with me now. Forgive me in advance for this post which I think will end of being just a stream of consciousness.

My surgery was moved up 3 weeks to May 5. My oncologist wants no more than 7 days from my last chemo to surgery based on the aggressiveness of this cancer. I had Taxol today so only 2 more of those to go and 3 weeks left of Lapatinib (both of which I am struggling with and feel absolutely TOXIC). I have over 5 months of treatments under my belt, praise God. I should be happier. This phase is almost over. And I am so blessed to have these wonderful medicines to help me.

Everyone is so kind to me. They are trying to say the right things but comments like "whew...get the surgery over and be done with this nasty cancer stuff" privately make me crazy. I feel like I am just starting. Once the surgery is over then I have the 7 weeks of radiation and 6 months of Herceptin. Then years of watching and waiting and praying that it stays gone.

This is just not me. I am normally so positive and strong. But lately I feel like a crumbling worrying blob. Did I make the right decision about not reconstructing? I am sure I did because 90% I feel good and peaceful about it...almost excited. But sometimes I wake at 2:00 a.m. gripped in fear. Will this come back??? Then I get worried that all my worrying will cause more cancer...and I feel guilty. I do not have a spouse to turn and talk to in those dark lonely late hours...just a 3 year old and a 6 year old that I would OBVIOUSLY never burden. It is my job to keep the fear from them. I have started with a counselor so that will help.

Then I worry about Herceptin for just 6 months. I trust my oncologist completely. She is wonderful and talks to me about everything...from my fears to what she learned in San Antonio to my dx & tx. She is very involved with many of the MD Anderson studies, which is how I got into this clinical trial. I cannot say enough good about her. But she feels strongly that since I have had 6 1/2 months of neoadjuvant treatment, that 6 months of Herceptin is sufficient. I am very interested in what you all think.

My sisters are amazing...just like you guys. I have 5 of them, all in their own hell because they live far from their little sister as I go through this. They love me so much and I am very blessed. I just wish I could get back to a peaceful place in this wretched journey.

Thanks for listening, you guys.

Maureen