[jml]

Thank you everyone, for offering me a soft place to fall. You all are absolutely the 1st place I turn for comfort and for celebration, and I can't thank you enough.
Surviving 7 years as a Stage IV'er is pretty amazing, I know, and I don't take that for granted. I'm just feeling a little defeated again -so much chemo, so much surgery, so many sacrifices to accomodate this disease. Not just for me, but for all of us, and for those who love and fight for us. I'm mad at it. And sad. And ofcourse, scared again.
I know I can do treatment again. I know I can. But honestly, I'm just really sick & tired of it.
I think what makes me the most sad is with each recurrence-I've had too many to count...or has it been just one long disease process?- I find myself mourning, again, for all the things in my life that thought I would have-my own family, stability, freedom from this burden - but have to suspend, if even for a short time, yet again.
With each recurrence, or failed treatment, I fear "How much longer can my body continue to be resilient?" and I wonder if this is the beginning of that end? I wonder why I'm fighting so hard, if in the end, I will pass alone. My parents, sisters, friends all have their own families to continue on with, and they'll all be okay if I go. And then I can then watch after them as they always have for me. I think about my little nieces -7&3. The older one was only 3 months old when I was dx'd, and she has only ever known me with this disease, the multiple baldness, the scars, etc. I'm so glad to see those little girls grow up, but at the same time I'm aware that they're now old enough to be sad and miss me if I go.
The reality is, I've been blessed with a really great quality of life, in spite of all the treatment & surgeries. I've accomplished a lot, been blessed with a lot, and feel happy every day. I consider myself charmed to have all that I do have. My strength and endurance always return & I'm able to be very active. My clients are often amazed (& hopefully inspired), that I can still kick their butts in a Pilates class even though I just had Chemo#100+ the day before! I know how fortunate I am to have the physical strength & resilience that I do have.
Once I get over this "sad-hump", I'll call on that to drive me back into fighting mode. I just feel a little empty today.
So thanks for listening, and even more for understanding.
You all are another one of the many blessings I have found on this ironic journey.

I AM Keeping the Faith~

Jessica