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Senior Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Denver, CO
Posts: 1,427
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Mindfulness
I recently posted in another thread that I don't believe positive thinking can cure disease. I also think it's cruel to place that burden on sick people. They feel crappy, they've been traumatized, they're scared, and they think they're screwing up by not "thinking positively."
For an insightful and brilliant look at the very American, paradoxically Puritan cult of positive thinking, I highly recommend Barbara Ehrenreich's book, Bright Sided. The first chapter is about her encounters with it when she had breast cancer.
In that same comment I talked about mindfulness meditation. It is a practice of not thinking, of detaching from the storm of thoughts that constantly rages in one's head, especially in stressful times. With practice, it's possible to enter into a "zone" of serenity and acceptance. I first learned it from a book called Wherever You Go, There You Are, by Jon Kabat-Zinn. Then I learned of a Christian version called "centering prayer."
Other practices can have a similar effect. Yoga does. Running, walking, bicycling, swimming or rowing can too. (Physical activity can also increase endorphins and boost immune function, so they are especially beneficial for people who have the ability to engage in them.)
What they all have in common is letting go: not thinking, not planning, not forecasting disaster, not worrying, but just being. You breathe. You notice, but you don't react. You notice thoughts, sounds, bodily sensations, but you don't focus on them. You just stay in the now.
For me, knitting is a meditative practice. I find it's not possible to be anxious while I'm knitting. It calms me down and centers me. I can recite prayers, psalms, hymn verses and the like while I knit, or I can just let the clicking of the needles be my mantra. It's nice to end up with tangible products (hats, scarves, mittens, socks, shawls, etc.) but it's not why I do it. It's the journey, not the destination.
I am less reactive, angry, unreasonable, and judgmental than I used to be. I am more peaceful. Whether I live another 30 years or only another 30 months, it's the way I want to live.
The present moment is all that any of us has. I want to be as fully present to myself and to the people in my life as possible. I want to be awake, aware, and at peace.
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Amy
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4/19/11 Diagnosed invasive ductal carcinoma in left breast; 2.3 cm tumor, 1 axillary lymph node, weakly ER+, HER2+++
4/29/11 CT scan shows suspicious lesions on liver and lungs
5/17/11 liver biopsy
5/24/11 liver met confirmed--Stage IV at diagnosis
5/27/11 Begin weekly Taxol & Herceptin for 3 months (standard of care at the time of my DX)
7/18/11 Switch to weekly Abraxane & Herceptin due to Taxol allergy
8/29/11 CT scan shows no new lesions & old lesions shrinking
9/27/11 Finish Abraxane. Start Herceptin every 3 weeks. Begin taking Arimidex
10/17/11--Brain MRI--No Brain mets
12/5/11 PET scan--Almost NED
5/15/12 PET scan shows progression-breast/chest/spine (one vertebra)
5/22/12 Stop taking Arimidex; stay on Herceptin
6/11/12 Started Tykerb and Herceptin on clinical trial (w/no chemo)
9/24/12 CT scan--No new mets. Everything stable.
3/11/13 CT Scan--two small new possible mets and odd looking area in left lung getting larger.
4/2/13--Biopsy of suspicious area in lower left lung. Mets to lung confirmed.
4/30/13 Begin Kadcyla/TDM-1
8/16/13 PET scan "mixed," with some areas of increased uptake, but also some definite improvement, so I'll stay on TDM-1/Kadcyla.
11/11/13 Finally get hormone receptor results from lung biopsy of 4/2/13. My cancer is no longer ER positive.
11/13/13 PET scan mixed results again. We're calling it "stable." Problems breathing on exertion.
2/18/14 PET scan shows a new lesion and newly active lymph node in chest, other progression. Bye bye TDM-1.
2/28/14 Begin Herceptin/Perjeta every 3 weeks.
6/8/14 PET "mixed," with no new lesions, and everything but lower lungs improving. My breathing is better.
8/18/14 PET "mixed" again. Upper lungs & one spine met stable, lower lungs less FDG avid, original tumor more avid, one lymph node in mediastinum more avid.
9/1/14 Begin taking Xeloda one week on, one week off. Will also stay on Herceptin and Perjeta every three weeks.
12/11/14 PET Scan--no new lesions, and everything looks better than it did.
3/20/15 PET Scan--no new lesions, but lower lung lesions larger and a bit more avid.
4/13/15 Increasing Xeloda dose to 10 days on, one week off.
7/1/15 Scan "mixed" again, but suggests continuing progression. Stop Xeloda. Substitute Abraxane every 3 weeks starting 7/13.
10/28/15 PET scan shows dramatic improvement everywhere. All lesions except lower lungs have resolved; lower lungs noticeably improved.
12/18/15 Last Abraxane. Continue on Herceptin and Perjeta alone beginning 1/8/16.
1/27/16 PET scan shows cancer is stable.
5/11/16 PET scan shows uptake in some areas that were resolved on the last two scans.
6/3/16 Begin Kadcyla and Tykerb combination
6/5 - 6/23 Horrible diarrhea from K&T together. Got pneumonia.
7/15/16 Begin Kadcyla only every 3 weeks.
9/6/16 Begin radiation therapy on right lung lesion that caused the pneumonia.
10/3/16 Last of 12 radiation treatments to right lung.
11/4/16 Huffing and puffing, low O2, high heart rate, on tiniest bit of exertion. Diagnosed as radiation pneumonitis. Treated with Prednisone.
11/11/16 PET scan shows significant improvement to radiated part of right lung BUT a bunch of new lung lesions, and the bone met is getting worse.
11/22/16 Begin Eribulin and Herceptin. H every 3 weeks. E two weeks on, one week off.
3/6/17 Scan shows progression in lungs. Bone met a little better.
3/23/17 Lung biopsy. Tumor sampled is ER-, PR+ (5%), HER2+++. Getting Herceptin and Perjeta as a maintenance treatment.
5/31/17 Port placement
6/1/17 Start Navelbine & Tykerb
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