[Believe51]

Friday marks yet another chemo regime for Ed and with that I say here we go again. For the first time since diagnosis I was and still am a little apprehensive about this regime. I am going to do what I do best and follow my heart to guide him through the Ixempra treatments. I feel something deep down that says this is okay. We will do 2-3 treatments and scan. If his tumor markers do not decline we will immediately change his course.

I still ponder the Herceptin getting added but want to wait to reintroduce, if we reintroduce. This month marks 32 months, much more time than we ever thought possible. For this I am grateful but we feel that this nutrition/weight issue will finally break him. He now is a mere 191 pounds and with his height he can no longer wear shorts in public comfortably.

I am afraid once more as I watch his health diminish before our very eyes. He is sleeping most of the time and does try to eat as much as possible. When he does he is either full right away or never gains the weight. This is the major reason for waiting to go on a chemo but we are no closer to gaining weight than we were 8 weeks ago. This frightens me because I am feeling the nutrition problem will steal him from me far before the cancer will.

Tumor markers steadily rising into oblivion. CEA is slightly above normal which in our experience does not represent the cancer in the bones. In fact, recent scans do not find any cancer in the bones. We know it is there in his body but no scan tells us where. It is there though, somewhere. He will not be doing anymore radiation anywhere, although Gamma is still on the 'will do list'.

I so worry about his brain and that will be getting scanned in a couple of weeks. Right now we are praying that this cancer is not in the brain and that this chemo is tolerated enough to buy us some time. Although we had little choice but to wait to start chemo I am just constantly praying that has not travelled back to the brain. This hide and go seek game is tiring.

Anyway, once chemo starts we should be able to get the pain under control again. He can barely keep up with that and has had little choice but to be very well medicated. I miss his so much and cannot wait to be reunited with him once again. Please pray that he is healthy enough to survive this treatment enough to get him to a comfortable place in life. I worry about this damn (yes I said it~lol) treatment beating the little life he has out of him.

This post was meant to inspire a bit but it has not proven effective (smiling). So here goes.....this man has gained some form of time from most of the treatments. Whole brain radiation worked wonders for the hundreds, yes hundreds on micro brain mets that were salted on entire brain. Two Gamma Knives proved what miracles this procedure really is. Radiation for assorted issues helped with pain and extending the time between treatments. Through that time we have had things not work, so we move on and quickly. We have had 32 months together since diagnosis and we are shooting for more.

I love you all and thank you for listening. Of all the time we have been on this wild ride, I must admit, I have never been this scared. I have this sick feeling I cannot shake about the other organs but with okay scans and no symptoms, I need to chill.

Once again hurry up and wait. But with a man like this in my world it is worth every gray hair and bellyache. I never thought I would say this in today's world but thank God I am unemployed, everything else is irrelevant. Toodles for now.>>Believe51

PS: How wonderful it feels to be worrying only about Ed right now, how could he do treatment and visit me in the looney bin at the same time??