[Andrea Barnett Budin]

MARILYN, MY DARLING, MS 'I'M IN REMISSION BUT...'

I WANTED YOU TO KNOW -- WHEN I WAS FINALLY DECLARED IN CAUTIOUS REMISSION BY 2 OUT OF 3 RADIOLOGISTS (2 OF MY 5 ONCS ASKED ME TO BRING MY CTs FOR *THEIR* RADIOLOGISTS TO READ), I WAS ALMOST AFRAID TO BELIEVE. 1,000 WHAT IFs OCCURED.

IN '99, AFTER 9 MNTHS OF TAXOTERE, PUSHING THROUGH THE PAIN FROM MY EYEBALLS TO THE SOLES OF MY FEET, IN EVERY EXTREMITY, THE EXHAUSTION, THE CONSTANT DIARRHEA, THE INCESSANT TEARING THAT WAS AS MADDENING AS THAT WATER TORTURE W/AN RELENTLESS LITTLE DRIP DRIP OF WATER ON YOUR FOREHEAD -- I COLLAPSED.

I SPENT 6 WKS IN BED. I SLEPT ABOUT 20+ HRS A DAY. I COULD NOT MOVE, BUT TO FLEE TO THE TOILET, TAKE A QUICK SHOWER, DRINK THE ESSENTIAL WATER TO STAY HYDRATED AND ALIVE AND EAT SOME MORSELS FOR THE SAME REASON.
I COULD NOT STIR, I SWEAR. I COULD NOT LIFT MY ARM. I WALKED HOLDING ON TO WALLS AND TABLES, IN A KIND OF STUPOR.

I HAD TOUGHED IT OUT, EVEN FLEW FROM FLORIDA TO CALIFORNIA TO ATTEND MY NEICE'S WEDDING (WHICH SHE BEGGED ME TO DO). I WENT, SLEEPING IN THE CAR ON THE WAY TO THE AIRPORT, SLEEPING 5 1/2 HRS ON THE PLANE, SLEEPINGIN THE CAR FROM THE AIRPORT TO THE HOTEL, CRASHING ON THE BED TILL I WAS NEEDED. I REVERSED THIS TO GET HOME. BUT I DID IT. W/A BIG SMILE ON MY FACE. GRATEFUL TO BE ALIVE TO BE THERE FOR JESSICA, A SURROGATE PARENT THAT LOVED HER DEARLY.

THE SIDE EFFECTS OF CHEMO LAST A LONG, LONG TIME. THAT WAS MY REALITY ANYWAY. EVEN YRS LATER WHEN THOUGH IMPROVED I MENTIONED TO MY ONC THAT I KNEW IT SOUNDED STRANGE BUT THE DEEP WEAKENING MUSCLE PAIN IN MY ARMS AND LEGS WAS STILL THERE FROM TIME TO TIME. NOT WEIRD AT ALL SAID MY ONC. OTHER PATIENTS HAVE REPORTED THIS TO ME AS WELL. SOMEHOW, THAT MADE ME FEEL BETTER. MY PAIN WAS VALIDATED AS BEING REAL AND THEREFORE WAS MORE TOLERABLE.

AS I LAY IN BED THOSE 6 LONG WKS, CANCELLING ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING (OR ACTUALLY ASKING PAUL TO DO THAT FOR ME AS I COULD BARELY SPEAK, I COMMUNICATED IN HUSHED WHISPERS HALTINGLY) I USED THE TIME TO MEDITATE. TO FOCUS ON MY BREATH. AS MY MIND WOULD STRAY TO FEAR THAT THIS COULD BE THE END OF ME, AM I DYING?, SURELY I AM REALLY CLOSE TO DEATH, WILL I EVER BE AS I ONCE WAS?, IS THIS PAIN OR THAT A SIGN OF RECURRENCE ALREADY??!!
-- I TRIED TO REMIND MYSELF THAT I HAD JUST BEEN THROUGH A HORRIFIC ORDEAL, THAT I NEEDED TIME TO RECOVER! TO HEAL! THAT I WAS ENTITLED TO THIS OBVIOUSLY NECESSARY/MANDATORY REST PERIOD.

I WOULD BREATH IN THROUGH MY NOSTRILS, HOLD THE LIFE-AFFIRMING BREATH AND CONSCIOUSLY PLANT MYSELF IN THE NOW, THEN GENTLY BLOW ALL NEGATIVITY OUT THROUGH MY MOUTH. I COULD HEAR IT LEAVE MY BODY, FEEL IT AS MY LUNGS EXPANDED. I KISSED AWAY ALL THAT WAS UNWANTED
THROUGH MY PURSED LIPS. THEN AGAIN AND AGAIN, I REPEATED THIS. TRYING TO FOCUS ALL MY ATTENTION ON MY BREATH, AS BREATHING WAS ABOUT ALL I SEEMED CAPABLE OF DOING AT THE TIME.

I BECAME KEENLY AWARE OF MY THOUGHTS STRAYING INTO DANGEROUS TERRITORY, WHAT IFing AWAY AND NATURALLY ACCOMPANIED W/PANIC, FEAR, AWFUL IMAGES OF ME MISSING IN PICTURES OF MY FAMILY. I HAD LEARNED TO BE DISCIPLINED IN MY AWARENESS OF WANDERING THOUGHTS AND MENTAL CHATTER, AND USED TO NOTING THEM AND THE EMOTIONAL SENSATIONS THEY BROUGHT AND RETURNING EACH TIME TO BREATHING. IN. HOLDING. AND OUT. LETTING GO... PATIENTLY, PERSISTENTLY, DILIGENTLY.

I WOULD NOTE A PAIN IN VARIOUS BODY PARTS (LIKE MY EYES FEELING LIKE BROKEN GLASS WAS STREWN ON MY EYEBALLS, FOR EXAMPLE -- TAXOTERE MESSES SO WITH OUR TEAR DUCTS, MUCOUS MEMBRANES EVERYWHERE, DRYING THEM UP LIKE DESERT SAND). MY NOSE HURT FROM DRIED MUCOUS. MY VAGINA. MY SKIN COVERING MY ENTIRE BODY, BEGGING FOR MOISTURE. I WOULD NOTICE THE PAIN, BE COGNIZANT BUT I CHOSE TO PERCEIVE IT AS A PASSING PHASE I HAD TO ENDURE. PART OF THE PROCESS OF GETTING WELL. RECOVERING. HEALING.

AT TIMES I WOULD OBSESS ABOUT THIS OR THAT PAIN. FIGHT OFF IMAGES OF CANSER RECURRENCE AS THEY SURFACED ALONG W/FEARS OF HAVING TO LEAVE THOSE I LOVED. FEAR LOOMED OVER ME AS I LAY IN MY BED.

SLOWLY I LEARNED TO JUST *WITNESS* THE SENSATIONS WITHOUT JUDGING THEM. I BECAME AWARE OF THE FEAR BUT DECIDEDLY CHOSE NOT TO *REACT*. BECOMING THE WITNESS OR OBSERVOR IS KEY, I THINK.

AWARENESS BECAME LIKE A BEAM OF LIGHT WHICH I COULD DIRECT. I WAS BECOMING EMPOWERED.

I was no longer my self, transcending into becoming my Self. We have to learn to ditch the small self!

In doing that, I was uniting w/my Spirit. I began to stop feeling apart from the world. More a part of All. I felt one with the All, one with everything that exists, one with infinite Spirit.

In a case of mistaken identity I had been often thinking *I* was The Voice In My Head. That is the little self. It is the part of us that spends all day judging, being critical, blaming, full of resentment and as scared as the small child we once were.

It keeps us feeling separate and lonely. Uniting with your Spirit, is tapping into the divinity within yourSelf. We must learn to transcend the small self and rediscover our Truest Selves, our Supreme Identity. After this comes Enlightenment, rapture and serenity. Life becomes transformed. "Forgetfulness of self is remembrance of God", as many traditions believe. It is a part of the perennial philosophy. It is a breakthrough. The undoing of the habitual tendency to create a separate self where there is in fact only vast, open, clear awareness, as Ken Wilber so brilliantly writes in Grace and Grit.

Our true nature is Pure Presence, not everlasting but prior to Time. It is a timeless Now. And this brings an end to suffering. Not that you no longer feel pain or anguish or fear or hurt, but that you no longer feel threatened by the existence of such things. You become The Witness more than the one suffering. Wilber speaks of this attainment as ' a profound relaxing and uncoiling in the heart'. No matter what, no earthly matters affect our real Being. The person then possesses 'peace that surpasseth understand'.

A desire to help all others who suffer overcomes us at this point in time. Mercy, compassion, love, generosity and gratitude come together. Love your neighbor as your Self!

I love you Marilyn (Hermiracles). Your buts and all. Listen to your Inner Voice. Meditate with passion. Remember -- EVERY THOUGHT IS LIKE A PRAYER AND EVERY PRAYER IS A POTENTIAL MIRACLE.

Let your Inner Voice guide you, strengthen you, nourish you and invest its power in you.

You are in a process of recovering. Healing. Grant yourSelf this time. You have been through so much! Free yourSelf of your separate self. I stand with you. I believe we all do. You can do this. You will do this. Sending a giant hug to you way down under.

Andi






Andi