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I did get that phone call 4 months ago when a detective from the NYPD called from my son's cell phone at 5:34 a.m.; said there had been an accident, my son had been hit by a train and they needed information; after I gave them all of the information that I could muster, he said I should come to Brooklyn. Before leaving my home, while throwing clothes and meds in luggage as quickly as I could and propping my cell phone on my shoulder while trying to get through to the ER at the hospital for information, I finally got what I guess was a Resident who said that if this was my son they had, that he was deceased. It was then that I just grabbed my luggage with whatever was in there and headed to Brooklyn from Delaware; I had to get there to prove that they had the wrong person!! I had never been to NY before (and will probably never go back) so I knew I had at good 3 hour drive ahead of me - it did take me over 3 hours to get there because, of course, I got lost a couple times but there had to be some guardian angel (I'm sure now I had a few of them - my son, my parents, my former in-laws, a brother-in-law) with me because it felt like no sooner I got in my car, I was there safely and I don't remember anything other than stopping for gas and stopping at a rest stop to use the facilities; this angel I had with me also helped me find my way in a very undesirable area of NY; I wasn't my usual scared self, I was a determined mother. My ex husband was supposed to meet me there and, of course, Mr. Worthless as he is, never showed up. So here I was in NY all by myself having to identify what I hoped wouldn't be my son; unfortunately, it was. Then it was to the precinct for more reports and then the detective took me to my son's "room" if you could call it that, to me it was more of a stall - broke my heart to see how he had been living for the last 6 weeks or so while trying to get a leg up in the Big Apple - where he'd longed to live for years. Then it was back to the Medical Examiner's Office for further identifying - more pictures - but thank goodness they allowed me to identify both times with pictures because I don't think I could've gone into the morgue and physically identify him, I just know I couldn't have especially by myself.
My son had always had his issues with drinking and some drug use so I always worried about him and always expected "a call" but not this call and not so soon after moving there; and I told him the last time I saw him before he left for NY, when we were celebrating his 26th birthday at his favorite restaurant just the night before he left, that NY wasn't Delaware and he couldn't get drunk or high and expect nothing to ever happen. We still don't know what happened and probably never will; still awaiting his final autopsy report and toxicology to find out if he was under the influence - I, for the first time in my life, hope that he was high as a kite or drunk off his butt so he didn't know literally "what hit him"; I have nightmares of him being totally sober and alert and knew that this train was heading towards him and he couldn't do anything about it.
Now it's just myself and my youngest son; he's battling Stage 3 kidney disease and I just don't know what's next in life for me; they say God doesn't give you more than you can handle, but I'm wondering how strong He thinks I am.
So Moms, keep an eye on those children of yours and the first sign that there are any substance abuse issues, confront them and get them help...I wish I could do it all over again, he was such an intelligent and creative soul, he really could have been the writer he had always dreamed of being.
Sorry for being so long winded....and thanks for listening.
Gloria
IDC - 10/4/00
Stage 1C, Grade 3
ER+/PR+; Her 2+++
Lumpectomy, A/C, Rads
Tamoxifen, now Arimidex
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