HER2 Support Group Forums - View Single Post - need to talk...even if it\'s to myself....warning...sadness..

09-17-2004, 11:40 PM

so please don't read any further if you don't want to read something sad and fearful and self-pitying and probably angry too...

i am crying as i write this. a lovely, beautiful, young woman with two daughters ages 7 and 8 died last night from breast cancer. she was diagnosed less than a year before me with stage ONE breast cancer, no nodes, her2negative, hormone negative. she recurred to her mediastynal node less than two years later and brain mets shortly thereafter.

she was bright and beautiful and so so so funny. her posts on another breast cancer board were always so incredibly irreverent and NON-self-pitying, i cry as i think about them (e.g., "i just came back from disney world, it was so much fun, even though i am having trouble breathing, yeah, that part's not fun, but i sure can clear a room with my coughing....")

i am just so filled with sadness at the thought of the loss of this woman. i never met her in person, and we were hardly even in touch. but she was so brave and so sick and went through so much. and she leaves behind these two daughters. and i can't stop thinking about that and sobbing.

i am going through a really hard time right now, myself, but i don't even know why. it has been more than two years since i was diagnosed, and i got great treatment, and i feel well. i just finished a super intense yoga teacher training program, practicing yoga for three or four hours a day. i am in great physical shape. but i feel so awful. i am rambling i know, so you don't need to listen. but i need to talk. i went off of zoloft last week, having started gradually going off it last month. then i went cold turkey on 50 mg. and i am wonky. and moody. and angry. and sad. i screamed at my kids the other day because i am tired of them not listening to me, which is basically because for two years, i did NOTHING to discipline them. i spent all of my time being the FUN parent, and now that i am "well" again, i need them to get dressed for school, and they laugh in my face. i need them to stop playing ball in the house and they ignore me.

so i freaked out. i screamed and threw things and said awful things like "i wish i had different children". but the truth is....the only reason my children are the way they are is because i havent been a mother for two years. i have been a friend. not a parent. and i am so sad about this. i want things to be good again. i want to be a good mom. i apologized to my boys (ages 5 and 7), and i told them i love them more than anything in the world, but i need things to change around the house. i need them to listen.

i am so sad. i want to be a better person. i don't want to get sick again and look back at this time and regret it all. i want to be proud of my life. and i am not right now. i spent two years being sick and then recovering from being sick, and i thought it would all be okay again with the snap of a finger, but it doesn't work that way at all. i have a LOT of recovery to do, and no amount of reconstruction, dieting, liposuction (yes, i had that too) or yoga is going to do it. it is going to take something else, but i don't know what.

i want to say it is going to take LOVE. Love of life, love of my children. but i don't think it works that way - or at least not so easily. i have so much to get over, so much anger, sadness and FEAR and REGRET that love doesn't pour forth so easily, or at least when it does, other stuff gets in the way, like a two year history of illness and depression and .....

i am rambling. i am sorry. i should probably go see my shrink again. i should probably just ride out the storm of trying to go off the zoloft (i want to be CLEAN of zoloft before i start a new drug, and maybe i won't need a new drug. i am tired of taking so many pills every day...arimidex, lasix for water retention caused by the arimidex, multi-vitamin, bayer asprin).

wow, i sure went on and on.

someone...if you are listening...can you tell me how to turn my life around before it's too late? can you tell me how to be THANKFUL for my life and my children and my health and everything good in my life and how to STOP being angry about what i had to go through and regretful about the toll it has taken on my life and fearful that it will all be taken away anyway?

thanks....

lauren

09-17-2004, 11:40 PM	#1
lauren Guest Posts: n/a	so please don't read any further if you don't want to read something sad and fearful and self-pitying and probably angry too... i am crying as i write this. a lovely, beautiful, young woman with two daughters ages 7 and 8 died last night from breast cancer. she was diagnosed less than a year before me with stage ONE breast cancer, no nodes, her2negative, hormone negative. she recurred to her mediastynal node less than two years later and brain mets shortly thereafter. she was bright and beautiful and so so so funny. her posts on another breast cancer board were always so incredibly irreverent and NON-self-pitying, i cry as i think about them (e.g., "i just came back from disney world, it was so much fun, even though i am having trouble breathing, yeah, that part's not fun, but i sure can clear a room with my coughing....") i am just so filled with sadness at the thought of the loss of this woman. i never met her in person, and we were hardly even in touch. but she was so brave and so sick and went through so much. and she leaves behind these two daughters. and i can't stop thinking about that and sobbing. i am going through a really hard time right now, myself, but i don't even know why. it has been more than two years since i was diagnosed, and i got great treatment, and i feel well. i just finished a super intense yoga teacher training program, practicing yoga for three or four hours a day. i am in great physical shape. but i feel so awful. i am rambling i know, so you don't need to listen. but i need to talk. i went off of zoloft last week, having started gradually going off it last month. then i went cold turkey on 50 mg. and i am wonky. and moody. and angry. and sad. i screamed at my kids the other day because i am tired of them not listening to me, which is basically because for two years, i did NOTHING to discipline them. i spent all of my time being the FUN parent, and now that i am "well" again, i need them to get dressed for school, and they laugh in my face. i need them to stop playing ball in the house and they ignore me. so i freaked out. i screamed and threw things and said awful things like "i wish i had different children". but the truth is....the only reason my children are the way they are is because i havent been a mother for two years. i have been a friend. not a parent. and i am so sad about this. i want things to be good again. i want to be a good mom. i apologized to my boys (ages 5 and 7), and i told them i love them more than anything in the world, but i need things to change around the house. i need them to listen. i am so sad. i want to be a better person. i don't want to get sick again and look back at this time and regret it all. i want to be proud of my life. and i am not right now. i spent two years being sick and then recovering from being sick, and i thought it would all be okay again with the snap of a finger, but it doesn't work that way at all. i have a LOT of recovery to do, and no amount of reconstruction, dieting, liposuction (yes, i had that too) or yoga is going to do it. it is going to take something else, but i don't know what. i want to say it is going to take LOVE. Love of life, love of my children. but i don't think it works that way - or at least not so easily. i have so much to get over, so much anger, sadness and FEAR and REGRET that love doesn't pour forth so easily, or at least when it does, other stuff gets in the way, like a two year history of illness and depression and ..... i am rambling. i am sorry. i should probably go see my shrink again. i should probably just ride out the storm of trying to go off the zoloft (i want to be CLEAN of zoloft before i start a new drug, and maybe i won't need a new drug. i am tired of taking so many pills every day...arimidex, lasix for water retention caused by the arimidex, multi-vitamin, bayer asprin). wow, i sure went on and on. someone...if you are listening...can you tell me how to turn my life around before it's too late? can you tell me how to be THANKFUL for my life and my children and my health and everything good in my life and how to STOP being angry about what i had to go through and regretful about the toll it has taken on my life and fearful that it will all be taken away anyway? thanks.... lauren