[Mtngrl]

Tracy,

I'm so sorry this is such a slog for you. I was on weekly Taxol for three months. It was my first 3 months of treatment, and I was in a daze. But I started doing guided imagery almost as soon as I was diagnosed, and I did a lot of knitting.

I am not consistent about engaging in practices that I know to be helpful in addressing anxiety and fear, but even though I'm not "good" at it, I have found these things to be helpful:

--Mindfulness. Even for just a moment, slow down, take a deep breath, follow the breath, do a body scan. Note how your body feels. Take that state of relaxed awareness of what is going on right now with you into your day as often as you think of it. See. Smell. Taste. Listen. Be here now.

--Guided imagery. I was recently introduced to yoga nidra, and I love it. It's like a little vacation. I also have guided imagery products from a group called Health Journeys on cancer, relaxation, and also trauma.

--Creativity. Do whatever you can really get lost in, just for its own sake. For about six months I spent a lot of time coloring mandalas. I don't know why, but I found it soothing.

--Touch. (I live alone and have no pets, so I really fall short here.) Hugs, snuggles, massage. Petting a dog or cat. Holding hands.

--Denial. I had an uncle who was a survivor of the Bataan Death March. He said that in prison camp he started an "I like it here" club. He said not too many people wanted to join. But one of his survival strategies was straight-up, flat-out denial. For a fantastic example of this kind of technique, see the movie "Life is Beautiful."

--Journaling. When I'm anxious there's usually something underneath. I do free writing, exploring what I'm feeling, describing it as accurately and immediately as possible, and resisting the urge to react, interpret, or evaluate. I usually don't feel like it's helping, but often look back later and realize that it did.

--Talk yourself down when you're feeling panicky. Take five to ten slow, deep breaths. You might do a "breath prayer" with it, repeating one phrase on the inhale and one on the exhale. Something like, "Breathe in light, breathe out darkness." Or, "there is/ no tiger." Or you could visualize a stop sign. Or imagine you're a little girl in the lap of a safe, loving, trustworthy adult who's giving you encouragement and holding you close.

--I am never anxious when singing or knitting. I have knitted a whole lot of things since my diagnosis. Plus I'm creating artifacts of my presence on the planet.

--Dance. Dance fast to a strong beat until you're sweaty and out of breath. Or put on something soulful and use your body to express your feelings.

--Read whatever you classify as "escape fiction." Watch funny or romantic movies, or action movies, whatever makes you forget who you are while you're attending to it.

As for my opening remark about not being good at these practices. I think that's part of the practice. I do the best I can. I don't drown myself in recriminations when I forget to do them or backslide or whatever. I'm trying to learn to love myself and love my life the way I am/the way it is. I can't build on weakness, so I try to notice strength and build on that. Like the instruction for meditation that if you notice your mind wandering you "gently" bring your attention back, I try to be gentle with myself.