[linn65]

My son does love me, and I know that for sure! I text back and forth with him all day yesterday. Talking about school, grades, and what he wants for Christmas. I think sometimes he gets home and he gets confused, and I never want to put guilt on him for time with him. I show am love and by example how to treat others and remind him when he forgets. His Dad is pessimisstic and you can never trust anyone so that has always been a battle showing him all people DO NOT have an agenda! I do see glimpses of hope with him. He said through text Dad never wants me to trust anyone. I told him insecurity of self creates more self doubt in other people at times. Then I told him a story about a person I had met 10 years ago that I was kind, genuine and I threw in funny as heck too and last week he told me about a job I might be interested in the point being if I thought he had agenda 10 years ago that might not have ever happened.

Yesterday, he was sending me different things what Alexander his name means it was sooo funny.

I had a few days there and esp HOLIDAYS 3 people died 2 in October, 1 in December and now my Grandma my angel in heaven who loved me unconditional has passed too. I used to love them and now family doesn't get together, divorced and I dread them.

There are days I am greatful, thankful, and know that I am blessed. It is a battle of the mind. And going through all this Cancer stuff was at times a battle I thought was so bigger then me, and I just wanted loved and someone to rescue me, but it didn't happen. I feel SO strong at times now that certain things just don't bother me because I made it through cancer. I have reminders like under my arm after I do to much hurts, and my hands and feet hurt on and off, and I hope, I hope all those little things go away.

I want to be the best person I can be, live life to the fullest, and appreciate all the time I have becuase as you all know you don't know whats around the corner!!

I might have an opportunity to take a job 3.5 hours away from here and it would be a dream come true kind of job, a new start, new people, a company I am very familiar with. However, I think do I even try to take on such a task? Before cancer and Alexander in college I would have but now I don't know. I have been at my job 16 years, insurance, great benefits, decent salary. This job would have all the same but not the time served so starting all over with vacation/sick time. So I am going through the process but I might not have a chance to even get it.