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Senior Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Denver, CO
Posts: 1,427
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Re: Cancer and marriage
The other responses have been right-on. Fear is a mind-killer, and it can be a relationship-killer (both your fear and your husband's). Also, the drugs, especially steroids, can affect your perceptions and behavior. I noticed a pattern of saying really mean things about three days after every treatment. I wasn't warned about 'roid rage, and I wish I had known. I never said anything untrue, but I was unusually blunt. I had no filters. With some awareness that it might be the drugs talking, I'd have held my tongue.
Stressors like a serious illness (or a new child, new job, loss of a parent, etc.) really test relationships. If people see the increased instances of friction and conflict as opportunities and meet them with a mood of curiosity rather than defensiveness, they can be a source of immense personal and interpersonal growth. A good therapist can help you change your self-talk about what is happening around you, which can change your feelings and improve your sense of mastery. For example, when you find yourself anxiously focusing on someone else's behavior, you might ask yourself why you're so anxious, and learn to do things for yourself that lessen the anxiety.
I would advise you not to make any quick decisions about your marriage. Accept the things you cannot change (other people, places, things, the fact that you are ill, etc.), change the things you can (your thoughts, your habits, your ways of getting your needs met), and learn to tell the difference, and just be patient. Even if you end up deciding you can't stay married to your husband, he's your co-parent and you'll have to have some kind of relationship with him.
Full disclosure: I'm not married or in a special love relationship now. I'm pretty sure neither of my exes would have been helpful after my diagnosis (though of course I'll never know for sure.) One thing I have learned since my second divorce almost ten years ago is I was putting all my eggs in one basket. Marriage is an important source of love, friendship, emotional support and stability, but it's not the only one. I have a lot of love in my life. I always did, but I was so focused on just one relationship that I didn't cultivate or appreciate the other loving, supportive relationships that I had.
If you can join a support group for breast cancer patients, I suggest you do that. A good group can help you process all the physical and emotional issues that you're facing.
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Amy
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4/19/11 Diagnosed invasive ductal carcinoma in left breast; 2.3 cm tumor, 1 axillary lymph node, weakly ER+, HER2+++
4/29/11 CT scan shows suspicious lesions on liver and lungs
5/17/11 liver biopsy
5/24/11 liver met confirmed--Stage IV at diagnosis
5/27/11 Begin weekly Taxol & Herceptin for 3 months (standard of care at the time of my DX)
7/18/11 Switch to weekly Abraxane & Herceptin due to Taxol allergy
8/29/11 CT scan shows no new lesions & old lesions shrinking
9/27/11 Finish Abraxane. Start Herceptin every 3 weeks. Begin taking Arimidex
10/17/11--Brain MRI--No Brain mets
12/5/11 PET scan--Almost NED
5/15/12 PET scan shows progression-breast/chest/spine (one vertebra)
5/22/12 Stop taking Arimidex; stay on Herceptin
6/11/12 Started Tykerb and Herceptin on clinical trial (w/no chemo)
9/24/12 CT scan--No new mets. Everything stable.
3/11/13 CT Scan--two small new possible mets and odd looking area in left lung getting larger.
4/2/13--Biopsy of suspicious area in lower left lung. Mets to lung confirmed.
4/30/13 Begin Kadcyla/TDM-1
8/16/13 PET scan "mixed," with some areas of increased uptake, but also some definite improvement, so I'll stay on TDM-1/Kadcyla.
11/11/13 Finally get hormone receptor results from lung biopsy of 4/2/13. My cancer is no longer ER positive.
11/13/13 PET scan mixed results again. We're calling it "stable." Problems breathing on exertion.
2/18/14 PET scan shows a new lesion and newly active lymph node in chest, other progression. Bye bye TDM-1.
2/28/14 Begin Herceptin/Perjeta every 3 weeks.
6/8/14 PET "mixed," with no new lesions, and everything but lower lungs improving. My breathing is better.
8/18/14 PET "mixed" again. Upper lungs & one spine met stable, lower lungs less FDG avid, original tumor more avid, one lymph node in mediastinum more avid.
9/1/14 Begin taking Xeloda one week on, one week off. Will also stay on Herceptin and Perjeta every three weeks.
12/11/14 PET Scan--no new lesions, and everything looks better than it did.
3/20/15 PET Scan--no new lesions, but lower lung lesions larger and a bit more avid.
4/13/15 Increasing Xeloda dose to 10 days on, one week off.
7/1/15 Scan "mixed" again, but suggests continuing progression. Stop Xeloda. Substitute Abraxane every 3 weeks starting 7/13.
10/28/15 PET scan shows dramatic improvement everywhere. All lesions except lower lungs have resolved; lower lungs noticeably improved.
12/18/15 Last Abraxane. Continue on Herceptin and Perjeta alone beginning 1/8/16.
1/27/16 PET scan shows cancer is stable.
5/11/16 PET scan shows uptake in some areas that were resolved on the last two scans.
6/3/16 Begin Kadcyla and Tykerb combination
6/5 - 6/23 Horrible diarrhea from K&T together. Got pneumonia.
7/15/16 Begin Kadcyla only every 3 weeks.
9/6/16 Begin radiation therapy on right lung lesion that caused the pneumonia.
10/3/16 Last of 12 radiation treatments to right lung.
11/4/16 Huffing and puffing, low O2, high heart rate, on tiniest bit of exertion. Diagnosed as radiation pneumonitis. Treated with Prednisone.
11/11/16 PET scan shows significant improvement to radiated part of right lung BUT a bunch of new lung lesions, and the bone met is getting worse.
11/22/16 Begin Eribulin and Herceptin. H every 3 weeks. E two weeks on, one week off.
3/6/17 Scan shows progression in lungs. Bone met a little better.
3/23/17 Lung biopsy. Tumor sampled is ER-, PR+ (5%), HER2+++. Getting Herceptin and Perjeta as a maintenance treatment.
5/31/17 Port placement
6/1/17 Start Navelbine & Tykerb
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