[Jackie07]

The Chinese used to (from about 12 Century till early 20th Century) encourage widows to stay 'single' by rewarding them with a huge 'Chastity' Gate at the entrance of the city or town. Many movies have been made on the subject. One of the few 'accomplishments' of the Chinese communist regieme (1949-)is to ban unreasonable traditions such as this (along with the ban on opium and women's foot-binding.) The 'one man, one woman' rule was established when the last Dynasty was overthrown in 1911, but the first 'Republic' could not reform everything as effectively as the harsh and 'psychological' method used by the communists. Though many men (even some who are living in the States) have a 'live-in' partner besides the official wife.

'Not being able to bear a son' is unofficially a well-recognized excuse for the husband to sleep with another woman. And if the 'woman' indeed gives him a son, she will be included in the family right away. One family of such I know of has a shop on the first floor, the 2nd wife living on the 2nd floor with her young son, and the 'big' wife and her children (now all grown and moved out)live on the 3rd floor.

It was a very unfair situation when many men (mainly the accomplished, rich ones) were practicing polygamy, yet the women were encouraged to stay 'single' the rest of their lives if their husband happened to die young.

The practice partially originated from the demand of having a son to carry the family name and continue the ancestor worship. Though there are ways to get around it such as asking the son-in-law (before the engagement or wedding) to agree to changing his family name - usually allowing their 2nd son (if none, than a daughter)to bear the father's orginal family name. One old man in our small community had told us that he loved his then girl friend so much he would have agreed to anything to marry her. "Carrying her last name was the least of my concern." He flew a fighter jet during World war II and later became a flight instructor in the ROC Air Force. All his children used his birth name as their middle name. (In Chinese tradition, there's always a 'remedy' (antidote) for everything as is described in the Kung-fu movies...

Before I was married to hubby, I would tell him about Chinese 'legends' such as the ones in which a deceased wife would come back from her grave if the husband was not faithful - he would be 'haunted'. Hubby simply laughed about it. Four life-threatening surgeries later, he found out it is not a laughing matter any more. There are so much stress, so much adjustment, and so many changes involved...

Maslow's hierarchy states (with good data and reasoning behind it) that a person's basic needs (as is described in the award-winning movie - 'Eat, Drink, Man, Woman'")have to be satisfied before he (she) could go on to reach the next level (and ultimately the highest level - 'self-realization'.) I think we all are very understanding about the situation, it's just hard to take it when it is 'happening' to 'us'.