[Andrea Barnett Budin]

One of my favorite topics is FORGIVENESS. It has challenged me all my life. There were many years that I suffered from depression. Oh yes, I always had a smile on my face. I was always cheerful, not to burden others with my personal issues. But alone, I struggled to understand where my at times incapacitating sadness was coming from.

I found I was full of anger, resentment, blame and the inability to forgive my Father. I KNEW it was in my own best interest (for my mental health and well-being) to find a way to be forgiving. I was generally a forgiving person, after all. But, I could not find a way to let go of this burning rage I had (on behalf of The Child That Was Me). In her honor, I now stood to defend her with my outrage.

When I developed bc I instinctively KNEW I really really needed to achieve forgiveness. I just KNEW how negative emotions take their toll on our bodies and I truly wanted to heal -- in every sense of the word.

All the while, I also knew that I loved my Father as little girls do. I thought I understood that his daily verbal eruptions were as a result of his own disillusionments, his own pain. But I still could not master the forgiveness thing.

Then, I saw a young boy on Oprah, w/his Mom. His Father had recently died and he insisted each night that his Mother leave the porch light on. Oprah asked the boy gently why that was so important to him. He replied, because I know that my Dad would come home if he could find his way, so I know he must be lost. I want to leave the light on to help him find his way home.

I was blown away! I stopped wherever I was headed (as I do tasks while *watching* television). I sat down and I wailed and wept with a heaving sound that I didn't recall ever come from me. It came from deep down inside me. Somehow, I made the connection. Suddenly, I saw so clearly.

My Father too was lost. He was a lost Soul. Compassion for him came welling up to overflowing. And I instantly forgave him for everything, just like that. After so many years of trying to do just that. Deep introspection had not done it. Going to his gravesite and talking to him had not worked. But this random moment had rocked my world!

I had known forgiveness is a noble act, an act of grace, a gift we give ourselves more than the other person. I had known that it would set me free. That it would help me heal emotionally, physically and psychologically. But that little boy on television carried a message for me. I was so very touched by his sweet innocence. I identified with his loss, as my Father died when I was only 33. He was 63. Too young to be sure. I was 50 when I was diagnosed. But this child's words had a profoundly transformative effect on me that would last for the rest of my life.

Today, I was reading a chapter about forgiveness in HEALING WORDS FOR THE MIND, BODY AND SOUL and I saw -- forgiveness does not occur until love or compassion replace anger. When our emotional orientation toward the person who hurt us changes. That change filters into your brain biochemistry, the physiology of your body and your daily life.

So to anyone out there with a forgiveness issue (and I would venture to say WHO DOESN'T???) -- it is my hope this post will touch you and urge you to seriously reach down to be forgiving. To truly seek to empathize, trying to under the motivations of the one who has wounded you. See their humanity. See that we are each a sacred Soul, each doing our best to find a way to deal with our
personal battles. Everyone is battling something...

It makes us feel kind and generous when we forgive ourselves and well as others. TO UNDERSTAND IS TO FORGIVE (a French proverb).