[Believe51]

I could not post this earlier because I was too busy 'breathing' and 'meditating'.

When Ed postponed chemo last week, May 1, things got a little too confusing for my medical team, something that is not the norm. His bloodwork was not specific for the chemo today but our first chemo nurse we ever had was tending to Ed today. She would get things cracking if anyone could and told us no worries. Poor little guy, he took his Emend, sprayed some numbing stuff on his port and started his other nausea med. My feet were adorned with my lucky 'green shoes' in memory of LuAnn and everything. Before we left the house I held him, I thanked him for fighting, I told him I loved him.

The nurse ordered the right bloodwork and by the time the Ixempra was 'thawed' out the results would be in for Ed's first treatment. She proceeded to give him his Zometa and Faslodex while we waited. Ed did not feel his best and was a little confused, which does happen from time to time. With him being so hard of hearing I made sure this was confusion and not anythng else. He was confused. We were not having the best of vibes to start him today and things were really starting to get more rushed. I started to cry right there in chemo. I feel like a juggler that is in a constant state of balancing and the balancing act was about to spin out of control. I am not complaining for it is this man that has to do the hard work here. We had our hearts set on this and are no strangers to disappointments but we felt better rescheduling. Then that is when my head started whirling out of control. Thoughts of his brain have been worrying me lately and although I push that 'what if' away, it is getting harder and harder to do. Brain MRI coming up soon so I will have to be patient, thoughts pushed away some more.

I felt like when you plan all week to go to the zoo and when you get there it is closed. Ed chose to do his treatment next Thursday and what is another week in the grand scheme of things? Thoughts overwhelmed me of the appointments I needed to change, getting him some more Emend, calling the doctor, rescheduling a test and so on. We were disappointed but we did not have good vibes either. Besides, I was worried about my Hero and the confusion was not going to allow me to accept treatment today. We are both okay with this decision, unexpected as it was.

When we got home I got right to work on a homemade vegetable lasagna and a red sauce for dinner. That kept me busy. I shredded old records and cleaned a while. I revised some pictures and remembered the good ole days. I did some laundry and put away some winter clothes. I wrote out bills.....My candles burned bright and of course I said my prayers for all of us. He slept on and off from the time we got home to now. My anxiety is gone now but as you can see it took me all day. I am breathing and still relaxing with you all tonight, right now. This is the first place I needed to come when I relaxed and I thank you all for bringing me peace. This time I really did not think I would ramble this bad, woops...

Oh, and I do still have good vibes about this treatment plan and my peeps, of course I still believe......Love and Peace is my wish for you all tonight.>>Believe51

PS: Oh yeah he is up right now, hahaha, course I will stay up with him even though I am slurring my speach right now! Wow he makes me laugh.....think I should make us a schedule?? (smiling and happy he is up, no confusion too!)