[Believe51]

Savta, I can totally understand your feelings. I remember when Ed's doctor told us at one point he was stable (as he was going to be)and to give him some normalcy he was going to spread out his appointments from every 4 weeks to every 8. I bursted out in tears right then and there. OncoMan looked at me and asked why I was so upset. I explained that I was so insecure about being on our own and why wouldn't I, we were always working towards making that happen. Well, this was happening and I wondered why I felt sad. He explained that we would never be alone but needed to accomplish this because Ed was getting better. He was always going to be his patient and we would continue to monitor him. I was not taken with this, the doctor moved the appointments to every 6 weeks to give him that normalcy and to help me with my problems (my problems~hehehe).

I think that having cancer changes us so and while we are fighting and seeking treatment, we somehow feel protected. By these appointments gradually being spread out I knew that they would keep getting to be a bigger gap. I feel that when he got diagnosed at stage IV, I had no time for denial. I immediately started research, organizing the best medical team I could, and putting our affairs in order. We were and still are working towards the same goals. He was right though, Savta, Ed was never alone and as soon as he started to get sick again our team was there. To this day I feel that when we are working towards 'no evidence of disease' and taking treatments that we are safe. I also feel that those same feelings of the 'viewing' there is no safety net (in my mind) will surface. Since cancer is a balancing act, this is just another act. We will have to balance the freedom of normalcy with the feelings of being unprotected (in my mind). If we do not, then how can we enjoy what we are fighting for? How can we reap the benefits of receiving the gift we are fighting to unwrap?

Allowing us the normalcy to enjoy life more was hard. After all the fighting and working towards this goal, when we got there, we had to learn how to enjoy it. I tried with all my heart to enjoy it but had to push aside those feelings of helplessness. To me, this is a small price to pay if I can balance all of these feelings together. My words to you come as a rambling post as they rise to the surface to explain myself. I am still going to have these feelings but I will be ready and more than willing to try this balancing act again. The entire journey has been one balancing act to another so I will welcome one more.

So Savta, I guess a summary would be that I can understand your feelings. As time goes by, you too shall have your own act to balance. In order to fully enjoy the benefits of what you have worked so hard for, you will have to. Savta, go unwrap that gift you have aimed to unveil all this time. Unwrap it and wear it proudly each day. You will always have protection for they will be waiting in the background like a good waiter. You will think they are not there but they will know when you will need something.....and they will jump into action.

Savta, this is the moment you have been waiting for. Unwrap and enjoy, I am so thrilled for you. And Sweetie, you will never walk alone on this journey. All safety nets are there and will always be. Bravo Dahling (hear my accent?)>>Believe51